Three.

- two weeks old -

Three years ago today, at 2:39pm, I had no idea that my life had changed.  I was not there to hear your first cries.  I was not there to count your fingers and toes.  I was not there to gaze into your eyes for the very first time.  Even so, my life was better, for I'm here now to hear and tend to those cries; to hold and to wash those fingers and toes; and to gaze into those beautiful eyes (whenever you stand still long enough for me to).  I may have missed your first two weeks of life, but in the span of a lifetime, two weeks is not much at all -- my heart is yours, as if I had been the one to carry you for those 9 months.  What matters is that you are forever my son now...and I am forever grateful to Him for giving you to us to love.  I love you, bubby.  Happy 3rd Birthday!

- three short years later -

Snuggles

You woke up from your nap yesterday, extremely crabby, and you let me snuggle you for what felt like an eternity.  As I sat there on the couch holding you, kissing your head, and scratching your back, the memories all came flooding back as I began to think of all the times I've done this in the past.  It was mostly when you were just an itty bitty, brand new baby.  We did a lot of cuddling back then and I never wanted to let you out of my arms.  I wanted to keep you safe and protected there forever, never letting you go.  However, that focus must change (to some degree), for you are about to turn 3 on Sunday.  My focus now is to hold you close when you need it, but also keep you at arm's length to let you grow, discover, try, and {sigh} even fail.  We've had a difficult year together, me and you.  Part of it is your strong personality and your age, but it's me too -- I've been "altered" by medications and pregnancy hormones for most of this year, and I know that I'm not "quite right" either.  Still, you seem to love me just the same so I must be doing something right.  It makes my heart hurt when you refuse your daddy and you call for me, but I must confess that deep down inside, it also makes me melt...every time.  I'm not really ready to face the changing and growing you will do in the next year; to let go of my baby and to see the little boy that is before my eyes.  So until Sunday, I'll just keep pretending.

More Than I Deserve

I'm sitting in my warm house that's all decorated for Christmas - a stomach full of food and much "play time" already in the books for the day when I suddenly realized...I'm so blessed.  My (almost) 3 year old is content and spent some time cuddling with me while he played, constantly telling me, "Mommy, I wuhs (love) you".  My baby girl is healthily kicking away inside of me (to the point of actually bumping the laptop resting on my belly!).  My husband, whom I'm still madly in love with after 15 years together, is at work at a full-time job he enjoys.  And here I sit, in utter bliss.  I think of the adoption agency's news of a newborn baby that sits at the hospital, his forever family just chosen yesterday.  I'm so excited for that couple who will soon become this little man's Mommy and Daddy.  What better Christmas present for them to receive than the gift of this little boy?  (I should know -- we had a similar Christmas gift nearly 3 years ago, it just arrived a few weeks late!)  This time of year makes me feel...nostalgic.  Emotional.  Sentimental.  Mushy.  It makes me want to drive to the home of every person I know and hug them, telling them what they mean to me and how much I love them.  Since that's obviously not a reality, I'll just continue to sit here, enjoying my contentedness and smiling at the life God has blessed me with.  Thank You, Father - it's more than I deserve.

Movement

Hey there, little one -

I've been feeling you move for a few weeks now and, I admit, I smile to myself every time.  Even in this last week, there have been times that I laugh at myself for initially thinking my stomach is gurgling because I easily forget that I can feel you.  I love every time you move, even when it's swift kicks to my bladder when I've had too much water, or it's constant jabs to my side when I'm trying to fall asleep.  These are the moments I have been waiting for...the moments I have dreamed of for so long...part of the reason why we chose this route to expand our family.

For the entire first trimester, and then a few weeks after, I kept wondering if I was crazy or if everyone else was crazy when they said they loved being pregnant.  I was sick.  I was exhausted.  I felt awful.  Thankfully, all of that has past now and I totally get it.  I've officially joined the club of those who love being pregnant!  Feeling you inside of me makes this long road almost forgettable.  Feeling you roll around right now as I type and having your big brother randomly come up to stroke my belly, kissing it and saying "I feel you baby" just makes my heart melt again and again.  I can't wait to see your beautiful face and to find out what you look like!

Love,
Mommy

18 Weeks and Counting...

As of today, I'm officially 18 weeks along!  I had an ultrasound on Thursday, where we found out there will be lots of pink in our future...IT'S A GIRL!

Due to the fact that she is not genetically related to either my husband or I, my doctor sent me for a comprehensive ultrasound.  The technician felt it was a bit early to be doing one, (she prefers at least 20 weeks) but she tried her best.  I have to go back in 4 weeks to finish it up, partially because the baby would not flip over so she could complete her assessment, but also because certain things (like her heart) are just not big enough yet for them to truly evaluate it.  (I must say, I'm not upset that I get to spend another half hour of my life looking at the little princess growing inside of me!)

God, You are so amazing.

(Post copied from our Embryo Adoption blog.)

National Adoption Month

If you have not already heard, November is National Adoption Month.  I've shared similar thoughts and the video below on another blog several years ago, but now that I'm in a different place in my life, I find myself thinking about it all again.

I encourage anyone who reads this, if you know of someone who is pregnant and unsure...please, please, PLEASE encourage them to look into adoption.  Even if they don't go through with it and decide to parent the child themselves, they can get counseling to help them walk through their decision and they will not be alone.

You see, I would not be the person I am today if not for adoption.  My pregnant (with our second adopted child), emotional self can hardly stand to think of where I might be if that miracle had not come into my life almost three years ago.  It's not that I was headed down a bad path or anything; I just can't even fathom how -- emotionally -- I would have been able to keep on going.  If we had not chosen adoption, it would have meant giving up on my dreams of being a mom.  It would mean that I would not know the feel of sweet little boy hugs and kisses and I would not know the sound of his voice.  I would not know of his scents and I would not know the things he fears or the things he loves.  I would not know him and I would not have the memories of the first moments we became a forever family; the thoughts I had and the feelings I felt the instant he was placed in my arms.  Where there once had been a huge, aching hole, my heart was immediately full and overflowing.  The thought of missing out on those moments makes my heart shatter into millions of pieces.  

Thankfully, God knew.  While my husband had been ready for years (and never told me, but waited for me to come to the decision on my own), God changed my heart and prompted me to pursue this new road in our lives.  He knew just what we needed and created this little boy to be ours; to fit perfectly into our family.  I know that it was Him who guided my boy's birthmom through all of the family profiles and caused her to choose only ours to give her most precious gift.

Many people are afraid, as I once was, of birthmothers.  The things you see on TV often encourage this fear, but in reality, adoptive families are very well protected by laws if things are done correctly.  The book I referenced in our other blog changed our views about birthmothers.  They're not crazy people who make rash decisions.  They're incredible women who love their child SO much that they choose a different life for them when they know they can not provide.  I can't even fathom what it must take to have the strength to follow through with this decision and know you made the right choice...but I'm glad there are women out there who do.

** Warning: Even when I'm not pregnant, I sob when I watch this video **

(You can also view this video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqqj35r8aUc)

Greater - Stronger - Lighter.

Two posts in one day?!  Sometimes it's necessary because I just can't stop singing this song...

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer, awesome in power
Our God, our God...


And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?

..."What could stand against"?  NOTHING.  This weekend, You tore through my carefully built walls of hurt, bitterness and rejection, completely removing what has weighed me down for so long.  I can physically feel that it's gone.  Because of You, my heart feels lighter.  Happier.  More like my old self again.  It's no wonder I can't help but sing Your praises.

Reflecting

Hello Little One,

I'm thinking about you today.  I think about you all the time.  It's been over 7 weeks since the last time I saw you and I'm so anxious to see you again.  We survived our first trimester together and, while I spent too much time wishing it away due to morning sickness, I can't believe that over a third of our time together is already over.  It's so hard to believe I have been waiting for 8 years to experience everything I've experienced since July 20th.

Not many women can say that each of their children has made them a new mother, but I can.  Your big brother waltzed into our lives in a rush that flew by us so fast, we hardly knew what happened.  He made me a Mommy and gave me my first time experiences as a mom.  You, on the other hand, are taking a bit slower of a route, requiring a lot of patience, waiting, and nervousness.  When you are born -- and even right now and the months to come -- you are also giving me new experiences as a mother that I have never had before.  I have never known what morning sickness and fatigue was like.  I have never felt a baby move or kick from inside me.  I have never felt labor pains.  I have never known what it is like to look into the precious eyes of a little one that my body helped to nurture and grow as God created you inside me.  I have never nursed a child or known that bond that can only happen between mother and child.  Thanks to you, I will have known all of these things by the time April rolls around.

I love the fact that each of you have brought a newness to my life; that God gave each of my children a unique, precious gift to give to me.  I pray that you will always know the amazing God we serve and you will never forget the miracles He gave your Daddy and me when he brought you and your brother into our lives.  I can hardly wait to see you again next week...please don't be bashful so I know if I should start buying pink or organizing all of our blue!

Love,
Mommy

My Heart Today: A Confession

I have a confession.  The mothering side of my heart has NOT been very happy these days.  There's no good reason for it; I've just had ZERO patience with my boy.  There's no excuse, really.  Nor is there any excuse for my behavior toward him.  Once my hubby gets home, my world is set straight again and all is well, but I've really been struggling these last couple weeks in the hours he is not around.  I woke up this morning and vaguely remembered praying during a random waking moment that God would help me with this today.  As I sat down to read my Bible, this happened to be a portion of what was laid out for me today (from 1 Thessalonians 5:14-18):

...Be patient with EVERYONE.
...ALWAYS be joyful.
...NEVER stop praying.
...Be THANKFUL in ALL circumstances for this is God's will for you.

I'll be the first to admit that I was convicted (and then some)!  What amazed me the most was that I set down my Bible and was immediately confronted with a highly annoying situation.  I was shocked when I caught myself about to react in the way I usually do and instead of words coming out of my mouth, I was silenced and instead took a deep breath, thinking "be patient with EVERYONE (including your 2 year old)...always be joyful (even when you're easily irritated for no good reason)..."  Because of this, today has been a little bit better than my last two weeks.  I won't pretend like it was a perfect day because, honestly, I'm far from being perfect.  After the way I've felt though, any improvement is welcome.

Thankful

Lately, I feel as if I do way too much moaning and groaning and do not focus enough on the things that truly matter in my life.  In all reality, life is great.  I may complain about a day of not feeling well.  I may complain about a difficult 2 1/2 (+) year old.  I may complain about how I feel like my house isn't ever clean anymore.  But really, life is just how I want it to be.  The bad things make you appreciate the good.  Without them, we wouldn't ever realize just how great things are.  Today was a good day...no...a great day.  We all laughed, we played, we had fun -- and I stopped doing the dishes to go kiss my man and tell him how much I love this life we have together.  I wouldn't trade even my worst day of it for anything in the world, because it's ours.

Thank You, Father for all You've given us.  May I never forget and take things for granted, like the privilege of kissing my little one's "stinky foots" when he falls (forcing him into a giggling fit because he thinks it's funny that he got me to kiss his foot).  I'd do anything for that boy, Lord.  He's the gift in my life that came straight from You and I treasure him oh, so much.  I'm forever blessed because You love me enough to create this perfect life for me.

*blissful sigh*

Something Special

I was shopping with my husband several months ago and walked past a display of Willow Tree figurines.  I'm not a "figurine" type of girl, nor am I a collector of things...okay...other than Starbucks City Scape mugs, I admit!  For some reason though, these pregnancy/mothering figurines have always tugged at my heart.  I told him that when I get pregnant, he should buy one for me.  Knowing me and how I do not normally like this sort of thing, he didn't understand why.  *boys!!*  I never mentioned this to anyone, but still, every time I saw them, I felt that same tender tug.

A very special friend blessed me with one yesterday, completely out of the blue.  It's called "cherish: awaiting a miracle".  Every time I look at it today, it brings a peaceful smile to my face and it warms my heart.  I am, indeed, awaiting yet another miracle in my life.  Thank you, my sweet friend.  Your sweet and tender spirit blesses me in more ways you'll ever know!

(For the record, I may have been too tired & out of it to cry yesterday, but I'm crying now as I remember!)

Step by Step, Stone by Stone

There are times where I tend to lose focus.  I tend to forget that nothing is a surprise to God and I unknowingly let my mind -- fear -- take over.

I had a voice mail this morning that my bloodwork came back and my progesterone levels are not high enough for me to stop my injections; they want me to continue to do them for another week.  (My estrogen levels looked good, so I should be able to stop taking my pill though!)  Instead of calling the nurse back right away, my mind ran wild for a bit.  I began to wonder if there was reason to be concerned.  I began to panic, just a little bit, for fear of the unknown.  I began to wonder if we told everyone too soon and if something horrible was going to happen.  It's amazing how the mind can go from peace to complete chaos in a matter of seconds.  I decided I should call the nurse to ask about all of this before I got further in my panic.   She said that when they're adjusting the dosage like this, it's not uncommon for the levels to go down like mine have.  At 12 weeks, the placenta starts to make it's own progesterone and the levels start to go back up.  {A little fun fact for you!} I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow.  Just to be safe, she's pretty sure he'll want to continue my injections for another week.

I sat down to re-read and re-confess the section regarding miscarriage in my book.  (It seems like I have gone to that section a lot in the last few months...it's amazing how quickly someone who thinks they have faith can be overrun by emotions and circumstances!  Thankfully, it doesn't ever take long to realize it.)  As I was reading this morning, I remembered my vision from what feels like an eternity ago.  Step by step, stone by stone, He guides me down this path He has laid out for our growing family.  He's right here with me.  I do not have to fear for these results, for this baby, for any of this.  He has not given me the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)  I can't imagine how people go through life without God, but I sure wouldn't want to try it!  He's the only reason I'm left standing some days.

Side note: I don't plan to make every single post about pregnancy for the next 6 months, but it's where I am in my life, so it's what you get for now.  I'll try to throw in some other things once in a while so you're not sick of me talking about it!  :)


**UPDATE**  My doctor officially said I can stop taking my estrogen pills AND, while we still have to do the progesterone injections for another 5 days, I only have to do it ONCE a day now!  Small victories.  :)

All the glory, Part 2

I appear to have a quiet moment to myself and am in such a mental state this afternoon that I feel I just need to write.  I stumbled upon the scripture I used on our pregnancy announcement a few weeks before we went for our embryo transfer and I knew immediately that I wanted it to be the headline of our "big news".

Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name goes all the glory 

for your unfailing love and faithfulness.  Psalm 115:1

It's exactly how I feel about this entire pregnancy, this entire process, this entire phase of my life.  Some may give me credit for persevering through everything we have gone through.  Some may say we deserve it after our hardships in this area.  Some may say I've been so good about taking my medications and keeping things going as they need to, that's why this was a success.  Some may say my doctor is great and has a good reputation in this area.  But that's simply not it.

Every single aspect of this is God.  Without God breathing life into that embryo, I have nothing.  Without God nudging me to push for a July transfer date, I do not have this particular embryo - the one He specifically chose for us to raise.  The timing of it all may have felt crazy in our lives, but it was perfect in His eyes.  Until the day I take my last breath, I will forever give Him credit for all He has given us; for His unfailing love and faithfulness.

I was just looking back at a few previous posts and this one in particular caught my eye.  I remember this day and I'm so glad I wrote with such honesty.  This was the day I had gotten my first round of bloodwork done and was waiting to hear the results of my pregnancy test.  I was so afraid; nervous; excited; antsy; scared...yet full of faith, knowing He is good.  When I got the news, I gasped.  I barely heard what the nurse was telling me, but I knew I had to listen.  My hCG levels weren't as high as they would've like to see them (over 50, mine were 33), but I was still pregnant and they were "looking up", remaining hopeful.  I hung up the phone with her and sobbed...and sobbed...and SOBBED at the amazingness of it all.  I'm not sure words can even describe what I was feeling in that moment.  I was in awe.  I was blessed beyond belief, once again.  I was still nervous about the idea of now being pregnant.  I was SCARED because of the results.  Then I realized...I was the recipient of yet another miracle...of course things were going to be fine!  I immediately went to find a book a friend had recommended to me for the scripture and prayer/confession segments.  I immediately found the one on miscarriage and prayed the prayer out loud with my hand on my stomach, confessing everything before God and declaring His word.  Three days later, I had more bloodwork done and my levels were still not as high as they would like (over 100, mine were 87), but they had - indeed - more than doubled like they wanted them to, so they were still being optimistic.  Two days later, I went once again and received a message ending with "Congratulations!"  They wanted my levels to be over 200 and mine were at 241.  (Praise God!)

Now here I am, 3 ultrasounds in, 3 more rounds of bloodwork, 3 doctor visits, and 11 weeks pregnant on Saturday.  (Oh, to remember the days I never thought I'd say those words!)  I'm antsy about stopping my medications (mostly the injections!) but really, if it's good for the baby, how can I complain?  God knows what's best for the baby and what's best for me.  I just have to remind myself every once in a while that He's the one who sits on the throne, not me.

By the way...did you happen to notice my subliminal message when I put up my new header a while back?  I grew those tomatoes in our garden.  Lou's the big one, I'm in the middle, and our two kids are next to us.  See, if only you'd been paying attention, you might have been the first to guess our news!  Hee-hee  ;)

ALL the glory

Beauty

I get so caught up in my day-to-day life that I (too often) forget to stop and enjoy Your beauty that is everywhere around me.  I see it in the sun shining.  I see it in the green grass.  I see it in the rustling of the leaves in the trees.  I see it in my son's eyes.  I see it when he hugs me and says, "I wuhs (love) you Mommy".  I see it in the arms of my husband when he comes home from work after a full day of providing for our family.  I see it in the peace of the night sky.  I see it in my heart as I enjoy the calm that has taken residence there.  I see it in the relationships of my friends, family, loved ones; the simple phone calls, emails, or texts.  I see it in our calendar and all of the wonderful things we have the freedom to do.  I see it in my house, which You have provided (and continue to provide) for us.  I see it in our meals that we are able to put on the table every single day.  I see it in my overflowing laundry basket, for it means we have clothes to wear (and to spare!).  I see it in my neighborhood, as I look out and see how I'm surrounded by so many great people I trust.  I see You in so many things and I'm so sorry I don't stop often enough to dwell on these things.  I am forever grateful, Lord.

Just Believe

Don't be afraid; just believe.  - Mark 5:36

The last few days, I admit, I've been a little afraid again.  I'm afraid to lose, I'm afraid to hope.  I'm afraid to let myself "go there" for fear of what will need to be reassembled, should everything be shattered to pieces.  I realize I'm going directly against God's Word, and that's exactly why I sit here and write.  I've had several scriptures that I've been holding onto - very tightly - for the last few weeks.  As I sat down to look over them again, the one I mentioned above struck me the hardest.  I'd like to think that Jesus was speaking directly to me when I read that a few minutes ago (though my situation is not the same as the "woman's").

The only thing that I know to do is to trust; to HOPE, that this is exactly what He's trying to get through to me.  Just believe.

Wait.

Another blog I follow recently posted this poem by Russell Kelfer and wow, did it "set me straight" today...

Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

and the Master so gently said,
Wait.

Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?

I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek 

and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........

Wait.

He Leads Me

Last Sunday, I stood in church during praise and worship and suddenly had a "picture" in my mind.  I was in a beautiful garden, walking down a path.  As I looked ahead, the stones were not laid out already for me to walk upon.  Instead, God was there with me, laying each stone as I took another step.  I got the feeling it was all to remind me that He goes before me and leads me down this path through the beautiful garden of my life.  It was so beautiful and such perfect timing that I tried so hard to hang on to that picture; to remember that He guides my steps (Proverbs 16:9).

I didn't tell anyone about this; even my husband.  Not because I was keeping it to myself on purpose -- it just never occurred to me until Tuesday morning.  We were on our way to a very important appointment and I decided to check my email.  A good friend of mine had sent me this scripture:

Yes the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him!  Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 

"This is the way; walk in it."  

- Isaiah 30:18, 21 -

Just minutes away from the office, I quickly tried to contain my tears as I explained to my husband why I was crying.  I don't know why I was surprised at His perfect timing, but once again, there it was. Just the thing I needed to hear at just the right moment.

Why am I constantly surprised at His goodness?

My Heart

Psalm 138:2-3, 8
...I praise Your name for Your unfailing love and faithfulness; for Your promises are backed by all the honor of Your name.  As soon as I pray, You answer me; You encourage me by giving me strength.
...The Lord will work out His plans for my life -- for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.

Psalm 139:1-6, 9, 13-17
O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me.  You know when I sit down or stand up.  You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.  You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.  You know everything I do.  You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.  You go before me and follow me.  You place your hand of blessing on my head.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
...If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, EVEN THERE Your hand will guide me, and Your strength will support me.
...You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous -- how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  EVERY DAY of my life was recorded in Your book.  EVERY MOMENT was laid out before a single day had passed.  How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered!

These are the things in my heart this morning.  After reading all of these scriptures, how can I be anxious?  How can I wonder?  How can I even consider fear?  Nothing in my life is a surprise to God, for He created me for such a time as this.  If I believe that He goes before me and follows me, then I'm covered from both sides.  Life is going according to His plan and He already knows the outcome, so I continue to REST in Him.  What else can I do?

Perfect. Simply perfect.

I shared with a friend of mine that I have begun to feel a bit of worry set in.  I can not force situations and God can put a stop to anything, no matter how pushy I can get.  I know this.  So why do I feel worried that this is not of Him?  Am I not worthy?  Do I not deserve this?  Did I not have enough faith?  Of course I am, I do, and I (still) do.  It's silly, really, for me to even go down this path.

She told me about a message she's heard recently.  Basically, it was about resting.  There are some things you just need to quit praying about for a while and REST in the fact that God is in control.  As soon as she said that, I knew it's what my soul needs right now.  I've made signs to remind myself...

Rest in Him...
God has provided;
He has a plan for us;
He knows what He's doing!

There are so many things swarming around my head right now -- details, plans, concerns, excitement, dates, ups and downs, questions...what I truly need to do is rest in Him.  He knows me better than I know myself; He created me.  He knows what I can handle and won't give me anything more than I can bear, for He is my refuge and my strength.  I hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, for He who promised is faithful! (Hebrews 10:23 NIV)  So 'adios', worry...I'm leaving you behind to go curl up and rest in my Father's arms.

Entirely

I've referenced this scripture before, but the reality of it hit me, once again, today.

You are entirely faithful.

- Psalm 89:8 -

You never cease to amaze me.  Just when I've started to resolve that I'm about to be taught a lesson in patience, You give what I've fervently been asking for.  I may not feel worthy, but I certainly feel grateful.

Memorial Day

Today, I'm stopping to remember our troops.  Thank you to those who are fighting, to those who are about to depart, to those we have already lost, and to the families and loves ones who are longing to see them again.  Without you, we would not have the freedom we have.  There are not sufficient words to describe my gratefulness.

Eleven

A glance, a smile, became a friendship, grew into love...

This was on the front of the program when, eleven years ago today, I married my best friend.  He makes me laugh and he makes me smile.  He makes me feel more special than anyone else in this world ever could.  With one embrace in his arms, all of my problems disappear for that instant.  I'm so in love with this man that sometimes, I just don't know what to do with myself!

These eleven years have seen many joys and - unfortunately - heartache as well, but we have come out even stronger and more in love with each other because of it.  (How many people can say that?!)  I look at the pictures above (we were just KIDS!!) and I remember all of the plans, hopes, and dreams I had for our future.  Things certainly did not turn out as I expected, but I'm forever grateful for all those reasons they're not the same, for it's created the beautiful life we have together now.  I look forward to what the next year brings our {growing} family and can't wait to see the miraculous way God shows Himself to us once again.

I remain...forever his...faithfully.

And Then the Peace Came

"In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul."   - Psalm 94:19 (NKJV)

I woke yesterday morning to a dog barking at 5:45am after a full night of tossing and turning. The a/c kicked on in our room to drown out the sound, but I never went back to sleep after that.  It was early.  Way too early to be moving around the hotel room and waking my hubby on his birthday.  We weren't leaving until 8:30am and here I am, awake.  I find my flip flops, throw my hair in a (messy?) pony tail, and stumbled down the hall to get some coffee.  (I never really even looked in the mirror; I'm sure I was quite the sight to see!)  Coffee mission accomplished, making no eye contact with anyone, I drag myself back to our room.  As I was packing the night before, I thought to bring my Bible with me.  I don't normally bring it on short trips, but I've really been keeping up with the 2 year plan, so I figured "why not".  

The above scripture came to mind as I was thinking about the morning so I scrounged around for the book light and sat down in the dark with my coffee.  Remember, I do not choose what I read in a day; it's already laid out for me.  I ran across a scripture that, in the course of my life's journey, has been read many times -- Psalm 113:9.  "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother."  I'm not sure I've ever read this in the NLT before, so "a family" really hit me.  Yes, I do have a family now, but the word "family" makes me think of MORE...more than one child.  This whole time I've wanted obvious confirmation.  Did I really just get slapped upside the head with it and still walked away in doubt?  

I go on to finish my reading and start listening to "None but Jesus" (with earbuds in, of course, remember the birthday boy is still sleeping!):

...In the chaos, in confusion 

I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness 

You give me grace to do Your will...

And there it was; the peace came.  In the multitude of my anxieties within me (there were many!), His comforts delight my soul.  How could I ever do this without Him?  I'd rather not find out.

Mother's Day

...to the women who have been mothers for many years
...to the women who have lost
...to the women who are new mothers
...to the women who have given to another
...to the women who are currently called "Mommy"

...to the women who are about to become mothers

...to the women who long to be mothers

It's hard to believe that I spent so many years dreading this holiday and now I find myself celebrating my third Mother's Day already.  How time flies!  Thanks, again, God for the most amazing gift You have ever given us.

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Do You Know?

As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself thinking about you a lot.  I sat behind a girl in church last week who reminded me of you, and ever since then, I can't get you out of my head.  It's been two years and four months since our little guy was born.  I've written letters, trying to capture every milestone, every cute thing he does, every new personality trait that seems to emerge daily.  We haven't heard back from you even once and it makes me wonder...

Do you know how incredible he is?  Do you know that I'm sure he is the cutest little boy to walk this earth?  Do you know that he cracks me up - often - every day?  Do you know that he is my little friend?  Do you know that he is starting to show some sensitivity?  Do you know that he adores certain people in this world?  Do you know he has that little freckle?  Do you know he has a few cowlicks on his head that drive me insane?  Do you know that I love him more than myself?  Do you know he has the most amazing eyes?  Do you know that his lips and cheeks are irresistibly kissable?  Do you know that he's off the charts in both his height and weight, yet he's as fit as can be?  Do you know that his hugs and "wuv yu's" can melt my heart faster than anything else?  Do you know that he remembers things that I have completely forgotten?  Do you know that he loves to sing, ALL the time?  Do you know that he is the best thing that has ever happened to us?

There are so many more things I wonder if you know, and I often ask myself why I am so concerned with this.  Isn't my life "easier" because you are not around?  Some might suggest it is, but I'm not so sure.  I'd love to know more about you, your family, your history.  He's a part of you, and I'd love for you to know him.  I know he'll have questions when he gets older, just like I did as a child, and I'd love to be able to answer those questions for him -- or at least to be able to send him to you.  Instead, the only consolation that I can give him is that I can somewhat relate.  At least we have that in common; I actually treasure that.  I hope and pray it reassures him when he gets older and begins to ask questions.  You're missing out on so much of his life and I know that you would be blessed to know him, but it's not my decision.  I just have to sit back and trust that you know what's best for you.  I may not understand it, but I have to roll with it.  Maybe some day you'll change your mind -- for his sake, and ours, I sure hope you do!

Train

This train belonged to me when I was a little girl.  I'm not really sure when I got it, but I totally remember playing with it.  My son absolutely loves it too.  I love to watch him play and imagine myself doing the same things as a child.  (Little did I know back then that my own son would be enjoying it as well!)  I got to looking at it today and began to notice some obvious wear and tear that comes with age.  It occurred to me then that this train is a lot like life...

See the blue car on the right with the red wheels?  It's missing a post.  It broke off long ago, we tried to glue it, but it obviously did not stick.  How many times in my life have I tried to glue something back together, only to discover it wouldn't work, so I had to let go of that piece?  It's a part that will never be returned; a part that will forever be missing, but the car still remains in tact.

I mentioned the obvious wear and tear.  You can't really see it in this picture, but the paint is worn off on the edges of a few cars.  As we go through life's trials, don't we come out feeling a little more worn?

Then there's the most obvious one -- the yellow car in the middle with the missing wheel.  One might say this car is broken.  I say that yes, it's broken...but still functional.  Circumstances in life have broken me, but I'm still able to roll along smoothly.  Being broken doesn't make you useless -- it makes you special.  It shows you've endured.  It shows you've survived and that you're worth saving because you can still function with the rest of them.

If I had to guess, I would say this train has got to be about 25 years old.  Even so, with all of its flaws, it still works like it's brand new.  I sometimes look back on my life and wonder if I have any regrets so far.  Have I done enough?  Am I where I thought I would be at this age?  Are there things yet to be accomplished?  I think I could answer both "yes" and "no" for most of those, but the thing I need to realize is that no matter what age I am, I still work like I'm brand new.  I have SO many years ahead of me to fulfill any remaining dreams I may have, even if I'm missing a post and have a broken wheel.  Thankfully, I do not have to go at this alone, for as Psalm 89:8 tells us, God is entirely faithful and I know He will see me through.

God's Greatness

While I was reading this blog this morning, this line really got my attention:  "...my thoughts were focused on my circumstances (things of this world) and not on God's greatness."  Granted, she's referring to things in her life that I am not going through, but it still made me stop and realize that's exactly what I've been doing for the last 24 hours.

Rather than focus on the opportunity God has specifically chosen us for, I've thought back on my years of heartache, wondering why it's come to this.  (That last statement sounds harsh, but I don't intend for it to!)  Rather than focus on the new life we are moving toward, I've selfishly wondered if one is enough and we should let it be.

My mom reminded me not too long ago that the grace will be there when it's needed...I obviously have some time, so why do I bother getting myself worked up and wondering if I can do it?  Of course I can.  God is the giver of life.  If I believe He has chosen for me to bring that life into this world (I do), you bet He's going to give me the grace I need.  He's absolutely going to give me the strength and (most importantly) the patience I didn't even know I had.

My mission for today will be an attitude adjustment; a mental and emotional adjustment; a heart adjustment.  I'll be singing this song again, for it brings me His peace.  I'll be reminding myself of the miracle that is to come of this and not dwelling on the long road it took to get there.  I know that some day that long road will be a big part in telling everyone about our latest miracle, but I'm not ready to think about it yet.  For now, I focus on the prize.

Teaching You

I often wonder, even worry, about the things I'm teaching you.  I see you mimic me all the time.  Sometimes it's a simple chin tap while saying, "hmmm".  Today, it was gently touching my chin and cheek while turning my head as you were trying to get my attention to tell me something...just like I do to you!  You even cock your head slightly when you talk to me...I'm sure I do the same.

I wonder, do you try to copy me when you're angry and that's why you behave/react the way you do?  How embarrassing.  I often feel as if I'm seeing myself displayed in front of me, and I must say, it's not attractive.  The things that you do that irritate me to no end -- is that really just a reflection of myself?

Aside from the physical quirks, I hope that, of all the things you see me do in the course of your life, that you mimic the good things and not just the bad.  I hope that you see the person I strive to be and not the person I'm not proud to be in "those moments".  I suppose I should begin to outwardly show you the person I strive to be -- I'm not sure how to share what's in my heart on a two year old level, but if I start now, maybe I'll be in the habit of it when you're old enough to know what I'm rambling about.  I'm not sure I was really warned about this side of parenting -- the scary side.  Sure, I knew it wasn't all easy, but WOW.  God has given me a lot of responsibility here; I'd better get it right.

You...

You...make me smile.  You...make me sing.  You...give me my heart's desires, even when I don't even realize I wanted them.  You...give me life.  You...create each beautiful day as a gift to us to enjoy.  You...are the Reason for all the wonderful things in my life.  You...make my heart happy.  You...give me peace when it is needed, strength when I am week, and gifts when I don't deserve them.  You...are in control of ALL things, Your plan for my life set in motion before I was even formed.  You...know better than I do, even though it's taken me years to finally "get" that.  You...are everything to me.  You...are my Father.  You...are guiding our lives according to Your perfect will.  You...have set me here, at this time, for this purpose.  You...make me speechless.

My Little Friend

I do so much moaning and groaning about my 2 year old, but the fact of the matter is...he's also my little friend these days.  I love to listen to him talk, suddenly bursting out in laughter, declaring himself (or something else) "fah-nee".  I love to watch his little diapered bottom running through the house in his skinny little pj's, dragging his blankie with him.  I even, on occasion, love when he takes my hand to drag me into the next room because he wants to "fwaaaaay" (play).  He gives random hugs and kisses, (though not as often as I'd like!) and I've even heard a "love you" a time or two in response to my own.  If I laugh at something that happens, he loves to rehash it all over again -- just like a certain family I know -- talking about exactly what had just happened and laughing the whole time.  I don't even mind getting fake sneezed on, as he's recently learned the term "bless you".

I'm madly in love with my little guy and remember the advice given to me so long ago by a dear woman at church.  She told me, "I'd better not ever hear you calling them the "terrible 2's", for they're the "TERRIFIC 2's".  I totally get that, Lois.  I totally get it.

Longing

Hello, Spring flowers.  Can't you see that I am longing for you?  Sure, I enjoy a good snow and a chilly winter day -- but this sun I've been seeing has given me the itch for you.  It's teasing me, pretending like it's there to make things grow into beautiful and colorful creations, but in reality, it's still cold and it wouldn't surprise me if I heard it's going to snow or something.  But it's always like this at this time of year -- it's the beginning of March.  Time for spring fever, time for longing to be outside, time to anxiously await the chance to be warmed by the sun, nearly time for baseball season.  In no time, this longing will pass and I'll be wishing for cooler temps again, but until then...please come soon!

Taken for Granted

It occurred to me last night that there are things in life that I take for granted.  Surprisingly, the biggest one is my son.  My husband and I had just gotten in bed after both checking on our son, sound asleep in his big boy bed.  We were talking about how much we love that little guy, when it hit me like a ton of bricks.  For someone who shed so many tears for so many years to become a mom...lately, I sure have not been acting like I appreciate this gift that's been given to me!  Sure, I can blame it on being sick for what feels like an eternity.  I can blame it on him being sick for a while, reoccurring ear infections, not sleeping well, or just "being 2".  I can say that my attitude isn't right because I haven't been working out, releasing those "happy endorphins" (as a wise woman once recommended to me...it's true!).  I can come up with a very long list, but the truth is, there is not ONE good excuse in this world.  This little boy was literally dropped into my arms from Heaven for me to love, teach, appreciate, mold, and send out to live his own life.  If someone gave you a precious gift, you wouldn't just carelessly toss it aside.  You'd put it in a place of honor; a place where it could not be damaged or broken.  You would take pride in caring for it.  It would give you joy when you looked at it, reminding you of how sweet the Giver was to think of you.  (For the record, I do not carelessly toss my son aside or put him in a place where he could be damaged or broken!)

Thank you, God for my gift.  Please help me to remember the path that led me here to him.  Even in my times of being "a mother of a strong 2 year old", help me to remember exactly what he means to me and how much I love him, even when he's screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!" at me for the 968th time that hour.  For even then, he's still the best thing that has happened to us.

The Luckiest

Ben Folds has a song, "The Luckiest" and it always makes me think of my husband.  The reason for this is that it's true; I am the luckiest.  It's sad that it takes him being away to make me remember just how much I have in him.  He spoils me, really.  So many husbands and fathers just leave everything up to the wife/mom to take care of, but not mine.  He gives as much of himself that he can to us both of us.  He actually wants to be involved and to do things for our son.  He misses us when he's away.  I'm a blessed woman and when it comes down to it, I really could not ask for more in a man.  I sure do love him!

Bad Days

Sometimes I think I'm having a bad day...or a bad week...or a bad "season" in life.  My boy is sick and tired, yet he doesn't sleep as long as he needs to.  Enter "extremely irritable two year old".  Combine that moody little boy with a mom who has compassion for a while...but as the virus goes on...begins to feel some symptoms of her own.  I now understand the tired, yet not sleeping well aspect he's experiencing.  I understand the crankiness due to a raw throat.  I'm still not to the point of declaring myself "sick" but I think I'm certainly on the road to it, though I'm not going down without a fight!  Coincidentally, the hubby is feeling the same way.  Not good, considering he's about to go on a business trip for a few days.  I woke up this morning, wallowing in my sour attitude and sat down with my daily Bible reading.  Matthew 27 talks about when Pilate asked the crowd who they wanted him to release, Barabbas or Jesus.  The crowd demands Barabbas, while regarding Jesus they shout, "Crucify Him!"  It goes on in verses 27-31 to say: "Some of the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into their headquarters and called out the entire regiment. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him. They wove thorn branches into a crown and put it on his head, and they placed a reed stick in his right hand as a scepter. Then they knelt before him in mockery and taunted, “Hail! King of the Jews!” And they spit on him and grabbed the stick and struck him on the head with it. When they were finally tired of mocking him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him again. Then they led him away to be crucified."

Totally different circumstances than my own, but it made me pause and realize...maybe things aren't so bad.  Anything I've gone through this week and the week to come are nothing compared to what Jesus endured for me.  I think I'll survive.

I'm Good

I've decided that I'm good with where I am...for now.  I've begun to realize that I actually like it.  My one child is starting to understand and be understood a little more each day.  I have the time and energy (in theory) to play with him when he wants me to.  I sleep through the night, every night, with the exception of an occasional "situation".  I do not really need to plan ahead (as much) around meal times or make sure I've brought the necessary items for said meal times.  No pacifiers to lose or find on a dirty floor.  No car seat to lug in and out of the car, nor do I often need to carry anyone besides myself; all I have to do is hold a precious little hand as we walk.  All I need when I leave the house is a sippy cup, a diaper, a pack of wipes, and 2 cars -- always 2 cars.  I am the happy recipient of the sweetest little kisses and hugs, and love to hear the cutest little voice calling, "Ma Ma?" from the other room.

My life is great.  It's a life that is not in my control - but it's better that way.  Hmm, I just realized this probably means everything is about to drastically change...

Crib Sheets

I packed up all of your crib sheets today, for you are officially in a "big boy bed" now.  I have mixed feelings about this, as I'm sure most moms do.  I'm excited that you're so excited about your "beeh-bed" (big bed).  I'm excited that we're finally able to use the new bedding that is simply *perfect* in your room (typical girl here, remember?).  I'm excited that you're growing and developing and communicating and changing.  Yet...I'm sad that you're growing and developing and changing.

I shed just a couple tears when you and Daddy took your crib down as I remembered the hectic day that it was set up.  I also remember the day we brought it home, when your cousin no longer needed it, and we knew we would...some day.  At the time, it seemed like that day would never come. Now here I am, and it's back in the basement, resting from the abuse it took after a fourth child has slept in it.

It's so hard to believe that two years of my life has passed.  I pointed out a blankie sitting on the edge of the couch last night and asked your Daddy if he remembered when we didn't have things like that laying around our house.  (Of course, he did.)  Recent circumstances with a sweet friend have me reflecting back to those painful years.  Our situations are totally different, but pain is pain, especially when it comes to motherhood, and my heart aches for her.  As I think back to my own pain during that season in my life, I now know that I would not trade even a minute of it, for without that season, I would not have you in my life.  No other little boy would ever have been able to fill the hole in my heart like you did.  I love you so much and I'm thankful that God made us your forever family!

Because He Lives

I randomly started singing this old song this morning, and oh how it touched me...

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow;

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living,

Just because He lives

I think I'll let that be the song of my heart today.

Just Dreaming

This is what I'm dreaming of today.  Someplace warm - peaceful - tranquil.  A place where the house, finances, and all of life's details are not first and foremost on my mind.  See those children playing in the water?  I'm dreaming that they are mine.  (I'm sure there's an adult nearby, or I wouldn't be able to be this peaceful as I watch them.)  But -- sigh -- it's January, it's cold, it's foggy outside, and I am not going to Hawaii...so for now, my dreams will have to satisfy me.

Sweet dreams to you!

(Image via Google search)

Pleasing and Honorable - Part 2

Once again, I find myself posting someone else's words, but it was surely a reminder that I needed in my heart.  This week, I'm doing a lot of reflecting and I'm sure I'll be seeing quite a few things that need to change...Lord, help me to be pleasing and honorable to You; a tool that You can easily use because I am so willing.  Help me to be more aware of and sensitive to others when You bring them across my path.

(from http://innerfulfillment.wordpress.com/2010/01/13/where-everybody-knows-your-name-2/)

“Where Everybody Knows Your Name…”

January 13, 2010

Do you remember the tune?  It’s the catchy jingle from one of TV’s top shows of yester-year:

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name. …

Of course.  It’s the theme song to NBC’s Cheers. Can I ask you something?  When was the last time you exhibited the sort of sensitivity or acceptance evident at Boston’s favorite bar?  When’s the last time you noticed:

• The mother who politely declines Sunday’s “let’s all go out for lunch after the service” invitation, citing a “prior engagement” that’s more fictional than her empty wallet is factual.
• Elderly neighbors whose shuffling feet, failing hearing or fading eyesight are mistaken for ineptitude.
• The vociferous co-worker whose loquacious ways mask loneliness as deep as the Marianas Trench.
• The “got-it-all-together” pastor’s wife whose wayward child has chosen a bottle as his best friend – and she thinks she has to bear the burden alone.
• The nervous, skittish neighbor whose interpersonal fences rival the Great Wall of China.  Each board is carefully crafted to hide her husband’s closet porn addiction.
• The high schooler sporting glasses, a “tin grin,” acne or Wal-Mart labels instead of brand names – and the frostbitten scars of rejection.
• The “angry mom” whom everyone snubs, never guessing that her external explosions mask searing internal pain.

These are the isolated, the lonely.  The rejected.  Who knows their names?  Where can they can go and see “our troubles are all the same?”  Who’s “always glad they came?”
Look around.  Ours is a tear-stained world.  Unfortunately, we Christians sometimes exude the warmth of a polar bear convention inside an igloo stuck in an iceberg.  The sad fact is that needy, hurting folks are often more welcome at the local bar than at the local church.
So, how many of these “nameless” folks has God placed in your path today?  How many of them are in your Bible study or small group?  Do you think they’re there by accident?  It’d be a lot easier to let someone else “know their name.”  To turn away and pretend you don’t see.  But God, who made these people, can’t.  And those of us who claim to be His followers shouldn’t, either.  So how ‘bout another “tune”?  The lyrics of the Lord Jesus Christ go like this:

… “Love the Lord your God with all your heart

and with all your soul and with all your mind.”

This is the first and greatest commandment.

And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

– Matthew 22:37b-39 (NIV)

This is known as the “royal law,” because it’s the supreme law, the source of all other laws governing human relationships.  The idea is total devotion, first to God and then to others.
Here’s the second verse:

A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.

– John 13:34, 25 (NIV)

Self-sacrificing, unconditional love over the long haul is the mark of our special bond in Christ.  It’s created by the Lord Jesus’ love for us.  And it’s meant to beshared.  (Incidentally, loving fellow believers—and by extension, the world–with this kind of love is an imperative, not a suggestion.)
When we share Christ’s love with others, ask yourself this: what would our world look like if we loved each other with total devotion?  Better yet, what if the place “where everybody knows your name” and “they’re always glad you came” wasn’tCheers but the Church?
***
By Kristine Lowder, author, blogger, professional mom, homeschooler, humorist and chief wrangler at the ‘ole testosterone ranch.

Frustrated...or not.

Today I could find myself frustrated...but I'm not.  Instead, I have this song running through my head:

All I’ve got, All I am

All my dreams and All my plans

I’m holding back, I’m holding nothing back from you

I surrender it all, I lay it before you

For all of my days I’ll give you the glory

You caused me to see, My heart is divided

Lord, take all of me, ‘Cause I have decided

All I’ve got, All I am

All my dreams and All my plans

I’m holding back, I’m holding nothing back from you

Whatever it takes, I trust you completely

I’m here in your hands If you need to break me

You see, for me to really believe and feel this song, I have to give it ALL up to You.  Not just the parts I want to give up; not just the things I cannot control; not just the things I don't feel like doing or that I'm bored with...I'm holding NOTHING back from You.  

My Pastor just reminded me yesterday morning that You know me; You created me to be the way that I am.  You know this is not an easy thing for me to do, but I've come to realize there is no sense in me holding on any longer.  Before Christmas, they tell me we're behind 17 people on the waiting list.  Today she tells me there are about 20 people in front of us.  I know that doesn't add up.  It could frustrate me.  But I won't allow it to, because it is simply no longer my problem, it is Yours.  

I would love nothing more than to have yet another testimony of Your incredible hand moving in our lives.  A situation so miraculous that no one can deny it is a gift straight from You.  How can I wait expectantly for a gift when I keep snatching everything back and taking matters into my own Hands?  Forgive me for being human, and remind me every day that You are in control.  You know the plans You have for me.  You determine my steps.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made by You and with You, ALL things are possible.  For that, I am expectantly grateful!

A Borrowed Lesson: My Job

I've been getting devotional emails from this site for a couple weeks now and this one in particular really touched me.  I don't necessarily 100% agree with the initial thoughts and feelings in the first part of this blog, but the last part is what made me stop and think I wanted to share this.  Oh, how true.

God Speaks

January 8, 2010

You’ve never felt this way have you? Like you have 10 million things going on at one time? Like you are being pulled in 100 different directions? Like you just can’t seem to get a grip on things no matter how hard you try? Yeah. Me either. Not.

If I’ve learned anything in the past almost two years, it’s this: People don’t tell you the entire truth about marriage and motherhood.



Prior to the “I Do’s” it’s all, “Marriage is wonderful! It’s the greatest thing to ever happen to you. Being married isn’t hard at all…blah blah blah.” And that’s partly true. Marriage iswonderful and blissful and is by far the greatest thing to ever happen to me. But it’s definitely NOT simple and easy.


Prior to child-birth [especially during those "we are trying" months/weeks] it’s all, “Oh being a parent is the most rewarding thing in the world. There is nothing else like it. You won’t ever get tired of being with your baby…” Again, all of that is true, but aren’t these people leaving something out? Aren’t they forgetting to tell you a few things about these wonderful, happy, greatest moment of your life milestones? Ummm…yes. I would say so.


No one tells you before you get married that on the days your husband ticks you off beyond belief that you have to spend the rest of the night in the same house with him trying not to wring his neck. No one tells you that arguements…big ones…are going  to happen and you just have to deal with it. No one bothers to mention that the ‘honey moon’ period really does end, no matter how ‘hot and heavy’ you are for one another when you are dating.


No one bothers to mention the fact that babies don’t sleep the first several months of life. And that when they don’t sleep, you don’t sleep. Or that when you’re a mom, your life circles and revolves around your new baby for a long time. Or that, contrary to popular belief among people who don’t have kids, you really won’t always want to ‘do it’ with your husband after you’ve been up all night and day with a crying newborn. Nor do they tell you that said husband won’t always want to ‘do it’ with you either when he comes home tired from work and then has to encounter a frustrated exhausted wife and mother and a still crying baby.


Life changes when you get married. And it especially changes when you have a baby. It’s overwhelming. It can honestly drive you nuts if you don’t have a place to filter all of your worries and concerns. Lucky for me, I discovered blogging prior to having little man so I haven’t had to undergo expensive therapy sessions to cure my moderate insanity {yet}. But it can be frustrating. And exhausting. And completely and totally nerve wracking.


I woke up this morning after spending most of the day Monday & Tuesday attempting to put my house back in order after the holiday madness, to find my house a disaster. Again. Earlier this week I took down the Christmas lights and decorations [though the actual tree is still standing naked in the corner of my living room], cleaned the kitchen like a mad woman, scrubbed the bathroom where everyone was in and out while they were here, and put away all of the toys, clothes, and junk items that were just lying around. And I wake up this morning to a house that looks as if it hadn’t been cleaned in over a month. The dishes were piled up in the sink, little mans toys were all over the place, papers were piled up on the bar…it was awful. And I temporarily lost it.


You know how us moms can go into this sort of panic mode? Where you are running around like a crazy person just let out of the nut house trying to deal with everything all at one time. I snapped at my son, who isn’t even old enough to be snapped at yet. I rammed by little toe into the door frame while I was trying to carry dishes to the sink, allowing a few not so nice four letter words to slip out of my mouth. And I knocked over a cup of Gatorade…all over the kitchen floor. Which required immediate clean up so it didn’t get sticky-which didn’t prove easy to do when I was having to use one hand to hold my beloved little mess maker away from the puddling pile of juice he wanted so badly to splash in.


Finally, I threw my hands up and sat down. I got ill and just said to myself that I wasn’t going to do anything. The mess could just sit there and someone else could clean it. [Not that that would EVER happen because there is no way I could just let it sit...that's not in my blood. It drives me nuts.] Low and behold it was during this fiasco that the good Lord decided it was the perfect time to speak to me.


It utterly amazes me the ways God can talk to us if we just take the time to slow down and listen. God is really quite creative, I have to give him that. Because this morning, the big spoke to me through a vegetable.



Yep. These guys. Bob and Larry. Rather than sending messages to children all across the world this morning, they were talking to me. A 20-something mom who felt at the end of her rope this morning. The message wasn’t anything complex {I mean, really. We are talking about a childrens TV show with talking vegetables. How complex could it be?} It wasn’t like they were teaching on Leviticus or anything. Little man was watching “Gideon: Tuba Warrior” and I was only halfway paying attention to it. But the part that I did hear was this:

“God, you could have chosen anyone else for this job. But you didn’t. You chose me. Thank you.”

What a great prayer and an eye opener. There was Gideon, about to go to war against an army that was so much bigger than his. He was afraid…probably terrified of the outcome.  But in this time of uncertainty and weariness, he took the time to remember that God had specifically chosen him for the job at hand. How awesome is that? To know that, no matter how overwhelming and frustrating life gets, that our Lord has chosen us for the very task at hand.

God picked me out of all of the other women on this Earth to be partnered with my husband. To battle life with, the enjoy things with, to love and cherish. Me. He chose me out of all of the other moms out there to bless with this little boy. No one else. He didn’t give anyone else on this Earth and Josh or a Noah like mine. He gave them to me, and me to them. What a humbling realization. That no matter what happens in my life-whether it be in our marriage or within our realm of parenthood, I was chosen for this job. I was hand selected by the Lord himself to be here, right now, with this man and little boy.


I know things happen and that life gets in the way, but right now as I write this, I am making myself a promise: to not let the little things keep me from remembering that this is my calling. This is where God wants me right now. He wants me heree, in Florida, in this house, cleaning up this mess or that mess. He wants me here cooking my husband and son a good meal. He wants me here keeping the laundry washed and the house tidy for my husband who works to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. He wants me here, blogging about what he’s teaching me with each of you in hopes that I may offer encouragement. This is what I am here for. God could have chosen anyone else to do this job. But he didn’t. He chose me. And for that I am thankful.

(from innerfulfillment.wordpress.com/2010/01/08/god-speaks)

Laughing At Yourself

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.

Like...when you, at 5' 3" (yes, I'm rounding up), remember a picture from this morning.  Your 35 pound, 37.5" two year old is cold and tired of being outside.  Do the math...37.5" is well over half your height.  Remember, he's heavy too.  You're both so bundled up and cozy that it's difficult to move like you normally do.  However, he refuses to go indoors and is flailing his body all around as most terrific two year olds do.  You're forced to pick him up and carry him inside, up your hill of a driveway, in the snow, while he's flailing, all bundled up like the Michelin man...

Oh, the sight the neighbors must have seen this morning.  What else can you do but laugh?

This Moment

This moment, two years ago today, is one that I will never forget.  This moment changed my life forever.  This moment thrust everything I thought about my plans for my life out the window and caused me to look at things differently.  This moment came with one simple phone call while I was at work.  This moment I found out I had become a mom.

I love to think back about that day.  Friday, January 4, 2008...around 1pm...I'd just gotten back from lunch and was going about my afternoon, thinking of the weekend.  My phone rang and my world stopped.  I remember trying to control my tears, frantically scribbling notes about everything our adoption coordinator was telling me.  Someone stopped by for a meeting with my boss and looked at me to see if it was okay for them to go in.  I didn't care.  I tried to look as normal as possible and waved him in.  I had more important things on my mind.  After over five very painful years of longing...I had A SON!

I love so many things about the way this all came about, one of them being the fact that we have this incredible story to tell of God's faithfulness.  It's reached people I don't even know, and that touches me even more.  The other day I actually got a message from one of those people on "the Facebook" -- it's my really good friend's sister-in-law's mom (didya follow that one?!).  For the sake of their privacy, I omitted their names:

Sarah,
You don't know me. I know who you are through my daughter and her sister-in-law.  She was so excited for you and Lou when you got the news that God found the perfect son for your family! She shared your website with me at that time, so that I could see Josh's adorable photos...my daughter knows how I LOVE happy stories! :D

I woke up this morning thinking of your family. Since I don't even know you, I thought that maybe God was telling me to send you his love on the week of your anniversary of motherhood! Congratulations on your gorgeous little guy! He is soooo cute!

Wow.  How unbelievably sweet.  A total stranger, a person I will never meet, remembered me on "the week of my anniversary of motherhood".  (I love how she put that.)  What a neat little blessing from my Daddy -- His way of reminding me that He knows and He remembers.  (I just had to stop writing for a while as I had another "moment"...God, You're incredible, and I'm sorry it sometimes takes a couple days for things like this to sink in.)

As I drift back into reality, this moment, that same little boy is waking up from his nap.  I'm pretty sure I should go try to kiss him to death now and celebrate the fact that he is forever my son.  Here's to many more "moments"!