Snuggles

You woke up from your nap yesterday, extremely crabby, and you let me snuggle you for what felt like an eternity.  As I sat there on the couch holding you, kissing your head, and scratching your back, the memories all came flooding back as I began to think of all the times I've done this in the past.  It was mostly when you were just an itty bitty, brand new baby.  We did a lot of cuddling back then and I never wanted to let you out of my arms.  I wanted to keep you safe and protected there forever, never letting you go.  However, that focus must change (to some degree), for you are about to turn 3 on Sunday.  My focus now is to hold you close when you need it, but also keep you at arm's length to let you grow, discover, try, and {sigh} even fail.  We've had a difficult year together, me and you.  Part of it is your strong personality and your age, but it's me too -- I've been "altered" by medications and pregnancy hormones for most of this year, and I know that I'm not "quite right" either.  Still, you seem to love me just the same so I must be doing something right.  It makes my heart hurt when you refuse your daddy and you call for me, but I must confess that deep down inside, it also makes me melt...every time.  I'm not really ready to face the changing and growing you will do in the next year; to let go of my baby and to see the little boy that is before my eyes.  So until Sunday, I'll just keep pretending.