Two

You're two years old today and I can hardly believe it.  All of the years we waited for you to come into our lives feel like a lifetime ago.  On the other hand, it feels like you just came home and I can hardly believe that the family I look at today...

...is the same family I couldn't believe was mine not that long ago.

You're an amazing little boy -- not just to me and your Daddy -- but to everyone who meets you.  A little charmer and definitely a "ladies man".  (I may keep you under lock and key when you get older!)  You love to play, you love to run around, and you love to try out your new words.  Full of energy, they all say.  I agree, and say you're just like your Daddy.  You like things to be in a certain place, in a certain way, consistently.  I can't say that bothers me much because, well, you ARE my son too!  Your personality is a great mix of us both and I love it.

I regularly get emails called "Your toddler this week".  Today I got one and it changed to "Your preschooler this week".  It makes me sad and excited all at the same time.  Sad because you are officially no longer a baby.  Excited because I am amazed every day about the things you know, the things you can do, and the things I know are to come.  I love you more than I ever dreamed possible, my precious son, and you will always be my baby boy...no matter how old you get.  Happy 2nd Birthday!

None But Jesus

This morning, I sit in a dark living room, lit only by the dim light coming through the cloudy skies and our delicately glowing Christmas tree.  I just finished a nearly perfect cup of coffee and my house is silent.  I'd just begun to think of the next two days and all that they will hold, when I realized I should stop and be grateful for this moment of peace.  This song came to mind and speaks what is in my heart right now:

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

So as you go about this Christmas holiday, in the chaos, in the confusion, in your moments of weakness as we "enjoy" the hustle and bustle, don't forget to remember why we celebrate.  May your delight be in Him, rather than the material things this season offers.  May you take a moment of peace to reflect on the things He has given you in your life, rather than the things you could not afford.  If you really stop and think about it, I think you'll be surprised at all you have already.  I pray for peace, love, joy and hope for each one of you who may read this.

Low on Patience

I'll be the first to admit that I'm low on patience with you this week.  I don't even have a good reason why.  It just seems to have up and left me, with no indication of when it might come back.  I hope it's soon; I don't like being this crabby, mean Mommy to you.  I have "talks" with myself constantly, and I resolve to change my attitude and find my "happy heart" as we instruct you to do.  I think I'm over whatever it is that has ticked me off, but then a switch flips inside of me and there I am again, so frustrated with something that is SO not that big of a deal.  Prayers for peace/patience, deep breaths, counting to 10 in my head, typically accompanied by a deep sigh is common from me right now.  I know this to be true, because I find you mimicking me as I'm doing it.  Thankfully, it always makes me laugh and breaks my tension when I see you doing that, but I still don't want you to have "that" memory of Mommy when you were growing up.  Maybe writing about it, telling the world (or whoever reads this) about it, will help me get my act together.  I'm at a loss of what else I can do to break this, but I hope I find it soon.  Please bear with me, my son.  You're still my favorite little boy in the world and I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I get to be your Mommy -- that simple fact, I will never forget. 

Breath of Heaven

One of my favorite Christmas CD's of all time is Amy Grant's "Home for Christmas" album. I'm not a huge Amy Grant fan or anything, but if you do not own this CD, I highly recommend you consider it.  I was listening to "Breath of Heaven" for the um-teenth time and the lyrics really hit me this morning.  I don't know why, out of all the times I've heard this song, I never really went down this thought path that I did today.

The lyrics of this song are obviously not the "gospel truth".  We have no idea of knowing what Mary was truly thinking and feeling, other than what the Bible tells us in the book of Luke.  If you really stop and listen to (or read) the lyrics, I think you will also get an idea of what she might have felt during this time:

I have traveled many moonless nights,

Cold and weary with a babe inside,

And I wonder what I've done.

Holy father you have come,

And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.

I am frightened by the load I bear.

In a world as cold as stone,

Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,

Hold me together,

Be forever near me,

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,

Lighten my darkness,

Pour over me your holiness,

For you are holy.

Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,

If a wiser one should have had my place,

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.

Help me be.

Help me.

Breath of heaven,

Hold me together,

Be forever near me,

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,

Lighten my darkness,

Pour over me your holiness,

For you are holy.

Breath of heaven,

Hold me together,

Be forever near me,

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,

Lighten my darkness,

Pour over me your holiness,

For you are holy.

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven

She questioned.  She was tired.  She was waiting.  She was scared.  She wondered if she was worthy, if there was someone better.  Yet she willingly offered herself and her reputation to God.  Obviously, the writer of this song took some liberties, but I'm okay with that.  Because of those liberties, it made me truly stop and realize the depth of the sacrifice and commitment she made to God.

As a woman, it's made quite an impact on me today.  WOW, to be THAT willing.  Incredible.

This is It

This is it.  She'll be here in less than 30 minutes.  I've done all I can and it's time to just sit back and calm myself.  I'm not sure why I'm so worked up about this, but my mind is going in every direction.  For instance, here's some of the randomness that has gone through my head in the past hour:

- SURELY she won't look in that kitchen cabinet where I just stuffed the toaster in an effort to clear off of the counter.  (In reality, I know she may not even look in the kitchen.)

- Oh, I'd better set up the Nativity set under the tree...you know...the Little People one that has not EVER been "set up" because I have an almost 2 year old in the house.  Good thing I did it now, because he's totally not going to go straight for it as soon as he gets up from his nap.

- I wish you could just think, "Hmm, I'd like to lose weight." and POOF!  Off it comes.  In reality, I've started working out at nap time and I can't say I'm really enjoying myself.  (Told you my thoughts are random.)

- SURELY she won't notice that I cleaned behind my toilet.  Again.  (I just did this at Thanksgiving.)

- Why, oh why, are you awake from your nap already, my child?  You went to bed late, yet you still wake at the same time?  Not cool.  Go back to sleep, little one.  Thank you.

- SURELY she won't see the dust bunnies I neglected to clean in the guest bedroom/the next baby's room because, really, I'm hoping she'll just glance in there and ignore the items that definitely do not belong in a bedroom, but in a storage area.

- I'm glad I didn't bother wiping down the baseboards.  What a waste of time.

- Toys, toys, everywhere.  Welcome to our home this time around!

- At least the Christmas cards on my door are evenly hung.  Thanks to all of you who sent them by this date so I could perfectly balance everything out.

I just asked Lou to come upstairs and humor me, to critically take a look around our house one last time.  He didn't cave, but insisted everything was fine the last time he was upstairs and that I had nothing to worry about.  Actually, I think he said it best when he explained it like this to someone he works with:  "Last time, we cleaned the house with a toothbrush.  This time, we have a two year old."

Here we go!

**UPDATE** She didn't even look at the house. Oh well, at least I know it's clean. :)

Side note:  All of those "surely's" made me think of this little girl.  LOVE this!  It just makes my heart smile.

A Visit

When a "regular" person gets pregnant, are they asked to fill out stacks and stacks of paperwork to answer questions about themselves that they don't really have an answer for?  No.  Does anyone come to their house to see if they're fit to have children?  No. 

If only life were so easy. 

On Wednesday, someone is coming to our house to do that very thing.  Luckily, we know her and she has done this for us before, a little over 2 years ago.  Even so, I still find myself border-line obsessing over this visit.  I notice things like my baseboards...they're not pristine white and shiny like they were the first time she came.  Proof that I have a child...a little boy...who is very active.  She has one too now, so I'm sure she'll understand.  The last time she came, not an item was out of place throughout the entire house - the hall closet and the basement included.  This time, I won't even bother because I know she won't look.  I should put away some of the toys in the living room to straighten things up a bit.  I need to do that anyway to gear up for Christmas and the boy's birthday.  I should take this opportunity to really clean things the way they need to be cleaned that I've been putting off for so long.

There are lots of things I should do.  Maybe some of those things will get done, maybe they won't.  The glorious part about this visit is that I know, when it comes down to it, none of that really matters.  We have a healthy little boy who is thriving and if things are out of place when she rings that doorbell it's because he lives in a home where he's free to PLAY.  And that is okay. 

This is a new concept for me to take hold of in my life...someone please remind me of that Wednesday afternoon, okay?  I think I'll go dust off the lights in my bathroom now.  (Baby steps...)

Choices

Lately, I've been thinking a lot the choices we make in life.  Not so much my own choices in my own life, but more the choices I've seen others make and the consequences from those decisions.

For instance, imagine you're a man.  You're in your mid-30's, your now ex-wife just gave birth to your first son.  Eight years later, you and your 2nd wife have your first daughter together.  Son meets daughter and says he just wants to be with his mom from now on -- not you -- and you let him go.  I repeat.  You LET. HIM. GO. (??!!)

Now let's fast forward another 12+ years.  You're now in your 50's and you've been married to your 2nd wife for about 15 years and you have three children together, plus her oldest daughter, plus your son from the previous marriage, whom you no longer know anything about.  One day, you up and decide to go have a mid-life crisis or something and throw it all away.  Things end badly and relationships with those children, if they exist at all, are rocky.  Her oldest daughter (your step-daughter) has a son, but you are not a Grandpa to that child.  (Prime example of a relationship that no longer exists.)

Fast forward a couple more years.  Your 2nd son asks his mom about his half-brother he's never met so she decides to do some searching online.  Come to find out, he's taken his step-father's last name (not yours) and was married earlier this year.  You know nothing about either of these facts.  Remember the choices I referred to earlier?  I wonder how those decisions make you feel right about now.

I suppose I sound a bit bitter here.  I wouldn't really describe myself as bitter though.  What I feel is more, pity.  I can't fathom making these choices in life, throwing away everything that "might have been".  It just makes my heart sad when I think about all he's missed and all he could have had -- all we could have had as a family.

So I encourage anyone who might read this.  Before you make a life-altering decision, make sure you stop...really stop...and ask yourself, is it worth losing what might have been?  Chances are, you might not realize it until it's too late.

Too personal?  Sorry, just a bit of real life here -- I'll try to be more upbeat next time, folks.  One thing I will say though...thinking through all of this sure does make me love my husband even more than I already did!

Hiatus

Hmm.  It appears that I have taken a hiatus from blogging.  I've actually been taking a break from Facebook and all of it's time-sucking games too.  I'd like to say that this is because I've decided to rearrange my priorities and that my house is spotless and my son is gloriously happy and full of my attention, but we're about truth and reality here.  I've simply been re-reading books.  I just started the last one in the series, so chances are I'll be back to "normal" soon after that, though the Christmas (yes, I said CHRISTMAS, not HOLIDAY) season tis near.

Thanksgiving is coming in just one short day.  As I grow older, I've begun to love this holiday more and more.  Not because of the food and the family visits, but because of it's meaning.  Thankfulness.  It's sad to say that I don't do this throughout the year, but it makes me pause each day to think of something I'm thankful for.  There are so, so many things I'm blessed with in my life and I take them for granted.  At times I focus on the things I don't have or the things I struggle with, but in reality, I really have nothing to complain about.  I read a quote not too long ago that said, "I choose to be grateful because life is just beautiful, even when I don't understand it."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

Here are just a few things (but not every thing) I'm grateful for, not necessarily in order of importance of course:

- I have a husband who, next to Jesus, is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

- I have been trusted with and have been chosen to raise one amazingly adorable little boy who melts my heart with just one silly little twinkle in his eye.

- I have our battle with infertility.  "WHAT?!", you ask?  Yes, I'm grateful for even that because I have my son as a result of not being able to get pregnant like my original plan intended.  Without those painful years, he would not be in my life...and I can not imagine a life without that specific little boy in the other room.  God really does know better than I do.

- I have a home that I love.  Sure, there are things I'd like to change about it (space, really) but it's "home".

- I have tons of family who would go to the ends of the earth for me if I needed them to.

- I have friends that I truly believe will last a lifetime.

- I have a God who loves me and desires to do even more for me than the previously mentioned friends and family.

- I have my health.

- I have food on my table and in my pantry.

- I have a warm bed to sleep in every night with a new(er) bedding set that I finally LOVE!

- I have money, thanks to my hard working hubby, to buy things for our son.

- I have clean, hot water to take showers and wash my dishes.

I encourage you to make your own list...it's amazing what it will do for your spirit!

A Million Bucks

I'm feelin' like a million bucks today.

It's not because I have a million bucks...or anywhere close to it.  It's not because the sun is shining and the day is beautiful, the temperatures perfectly crisp but not too much.  It's not because I look like I want to look and weigh what I want to weigh. (Does any woman?)  It's not because I live in the perfect house with every feature my little heart desires.  It's not because I've got it all together and all of my ducks are in a row.

I feel like a million bucks today, simply because I know I am loved.  I am loved by my Father.  I am loved by my husband.  I am loved by my son.  I am loved by my family and my friends.  Really, when it comes down to it, does anything else truly matter in life?

~*~*~ blissful sigh ~*~*~

Pleasing and Honorable

The other day I read a verse that really stuck with me.  I've gone through phases in my life of posting scriptures around the house and apparently I am there again because this is currently hanging above my sink:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

- Psalm 19:14 (NIV) -

I'll be the first to admit that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart have not always been pleasing to God.  I'm human...and I struggle at times.  Whenever I see this scripture, I try to pause and truly consider if my heart is right and pleasing to Him.

I woke up before my boy this morning and realized it was the perfect opportunity to have some quiet time and read my Bible before starting the day.  (Side note: What an amazing day it's been!  Imagine that...start your day with God and it turns out to be wonderful.  Huh.)  Anyway, I was reading in 2 Timothy and came across this:

In a wealthy home some utensils are made of gold and silver, and some are made of wood and clay.  The expensive utensils are used for special occasions, and the cheap ones are for everyday use.  If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use.  Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work.

- 2 Timothy 2:20-21 (NLT) -

"A special utensil for honorable use"...the mere thought of God seeing me that way really opened my eyes.  It stirs my heart every time I think about it...how does God view me right now?  I think He's trying to get a point across to me, what do you think?

Still Laughing

On a lighter note, if you read our "other blog" then you've seen this.  If not, you're missing out because I'm still cracking up at my son.  We were looking at pics from the Balloon Glow the other night and discovered just how infatuated my boy is with balloons...

Happy Place

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”- Romans 12:2

If you've never been to the site, BibleGateway.com has a "Verse of the Day" each day.  The hubby leaves it open for me after he leaves for work in the morning and today, I've left the tab open for myself all day long because this scripture is really working on my insides today...but not in the usual way.  


You see, I struggle at times.  Literally - just a couple nights ago - I asked my husband if we were doing the right thing because it seems like every time we have more paperwork to do or more to discuss, it ends up in an argument.  (He reminded me it was like this last time too.)  My brain automatically assumed that maybe it meant we were out of God's will.  In reality, it's my head that is the problem.  You know, the one that thinks things through a little too much.  The one that blows things out of proportion when they don't need to be.  There are people all around me who are pregnant.  We're so excited for every one of them...but no matter how hard I try to tuck them securely away, the same feelings of "why not me?" still come to surface from time to time.  (To any pregnant people I know, please don't feel bad and please keep reading...I have a point.)


What's stirring in my heart today is the part where it instructs me, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world".  (I'm probably taking it way out of context, but bear with me -- it's bringing me to a "happy place".)  Anyway, what I'm realizing is that I've totally been conforming to the pattern of this world.  Once again, I'm not being honest with myself and accepting that the "normal" way of having a family may not be God's will for us, that He has other plans and other children that He needs us to care for as our own.  (I've been here before...you'd think I'd learn!)  I'm not sure how I'm going to "test and approve what God's will is" but I do know for a fact that it is good, pleasing and perfect.  (Just look at my son!)  


So I'll continue to walk blindly in faith, trusting the entire way that He will show us if we are to redirect.  Until then, I trust, with an excited smile on my face as I wait to find His will.  

Short Hair

After 21 months of growing my hair out and keeping it long(er), I've done it.  I went short again.  Less than 24 hours later after losing (I'm guessing) 3-4 more inches, I'm already finding many benefits:

1) You use less shampoo and conditioner, thus saving money because your bottles last longer.

2) No hair loss while in the shower.  I was previously at a length where it was coming out by the handfuls and I was sure I was going to be completely bald by Christmas.

3) No need for a towel on your head after a shower.

4) Faster dry time, in theory.  My hair is still just as thick but since it's not as long, surely it takes less time.

5) It forces me out of the standard "stay-at-home mom look" of the ponytail I have been sporting nearly every day for a year and a half.  (I hope I feel this positively about this aspect in a few weeks when the newness has worn off!)

6) I feel like a new woman...and let's be honest...that's one of the best feelings a woman can have!

Thanks again, Keri -- I love it!

(P.S.  Steph, here's a non-sappy post like I promised.  If this one made you cry, then we need to talk.  LOL!)

UPDATE:
So...I've gotten some grief from a few people for not posting a picture.  Truth is, I'm a little insecure about the cut since it's my first day fixing it so don't judge too harshly.  Also, no -- my hair is not red.  I'm just in a dimly lit red room which makes it look that way.  :o)

Little One

Hello, little one.  I do not know you yet, nor do I know when or how you will come into my world, but I am your mommy.  I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about you...well, not really you...more like, me.  When your big brother came into our lives, I knew to expect some major changes as I suddenly became a mom.  This time, I feel like I should know what to expect.  But I don't.  In all truthfulness, I'm scared to death...maybe even more than when he arrived.  The thing is, I don't want to fail you.  Either of you.  I think it's just my insecurities surfacing that makes me feel this way, for there are days that I find myself thinking "I can so do this 'mom of two kids thing' ".  Today must not be one of those days.

I know that when you come into our lives, it will be according to God's perfect timing and the plan He made for us.  I know that this perfect timing also means that I will be ready.  I will be able.  I will be fine.  I also know that this timing can not be swayed.  I get myself all worked up as I realize the days that have gone by where I have avoided the paperwork I'm knee-deep in to pursue our walk toward you.  What I have to remind myself of (right now) is that God is in control of His plan -- imagine that.  No matter how many days I procrastinate on those questionnaires that require me to really think, God is holding you "aside" for us.  You will not belong to anyone else who may have gotten there first because already, you are ours.  That last thought touches my heart.  You are already ours.  Amazing.  I think I'll stop to reflect on that for a while.  (Thanks, God!)  *tears of joy*

Good Bye, Old Friend

We said good bye to an old friend this weekend.  More than just a friend, really.  Our first object of affection other than each other.  The one who taught us to consider something more than ourselves as we lived our lives.  The one who showed us how to care for another living being.  That one is our Bailey Dog.

You came to live with us when you were so little, you could hardly walk on your own.  You will be 8 years old at the end of November.  Eight years is a long time.  Today is my first week day at home without you here, and I find that I miss you like crazy.  I keep waiting for you to come in the kitchen when you hear that I could possibly be cooking.  I wait for you to show up under the table to clean up the floor after the little one eats.  You never come though.

I don't know why you couldn't make the adjustment to having kids around you, but the decision had to be made.  He wanted to love you so much but you didn't want anything to do with him.  You were one of the reasons why she picked us for him.  It could've been so great for all of us...but it wasn't.  It was a constant time of stress and I'm sure you felt it too. Our children have to be the priority.

We will miss you more than I told myself, but I still know it's for the best.  I suppose these feelings all won't disappear overnight but it sure would make things easier.  You were a great dog to us and no other will ever compare.

This One's For the Girls

My little one turned on the radio this morning in our bedroom and Martina McBride was singing away.  I don't particularly care for this song, not that it's bad, I'm just not a big Martina fan.  A line in this song that I've heard a million time struck me today though...

Every laugh, laugh line on your face

Made you who you are today

I've been blessed so far in that realm...at least I think I have.  (Don't tell me if my face is really covered in wrinkles and laugh lines.  I enjoy my world of obliviousness.)  Anyway, I may not worry about laugh lines, but it made me think about plenty of other things I do worry about regarding my physical body.  It seems like when people (women, in particular) hit the age of 30, things start changing.  It's as if you've gotten a whole new body that looks, reacts, and does things you are unfamiliar with.

If you've just turned 30, you may not have had this happen yet.  I didn't know what people were talking about.  Now that 31 has come (yes, I admit it), I'm starting to understand.  I could make this entire blog about the things I don't like about it all, but I won't, simply because of this song.  Everything I see that has changed, everything that I don't like, everything that I would pay good money to "adjust"...it's all part of who I am today.  I am the way I am because of the life I have lived and the choices I have made.

I love the life I have and I wouldn't trade any part of it to be rid of these physical insecurities of mine.  Just remind me of this the next time I'm having "one of those days", okay?

Some Days

Some days, I don't even recognize the girl I am today.  Some days, I look back at that person I used to be and I laugh.  I knew it all...I knew what I would and wouldn't be as a parent and a wife and in all honesty, some days, I'm exactly the opposite of what I thought to be "right".

I swore I'd never be one of those moms who didn't appreciate their child every single moment of their lives...even when they were having a tough day.  I remember thinking about what I would give to just experience motherhood and knew that I knew that I knew that I'd appreciate every second.  Well, welcome to the real world, girlfriend.  Motherhood is tough and I'm here to admit it to whoever does (or does not) read this blog -- I'm one of those moms.  I'm a real person.

Some days, when I'm just chillin' at home, I forget to brush my teeth. Gross...but true.  Never dreamed that's something I could forget, but it happens.  Some days I can't get enough of my little man who's getting to be more and more like me.  Other days, I wonder if I'll ever find my sanity again.  (The hubby recently pointed out that this whole "just like me" thing I love so much could be a reason why I tend to butt heads so often with a 20 month old child.  Hmm...?  Lord, help me!)

Some days, I cry.  Some days, I laugh.  Some days, I do both...at the same time.  Some days, I'm a clean-freak.  Some days, I could really care less and just sprawl out on the dog hair-covered rug to play blocks.

I'm just a normal girl with normal thoughts and dreams.  I no longer claim to "know it all", nor do I judge.  Being a mom has changed the way I view things, the world, people.  I never knew I was a judgmental person before, but now I see it.  I hope I never offended anyone by my internal judgments...and I also hope that I never reap what I sowed!

Just a little glimpse into my mind today!

That's My Boy!

I did not build this tower, nor did I even have a part in it.  But it makes me happy.  Notice the color coordination and the nice stacking of the blocks?  That's my boy!  *blissful sigh*

Changes

I'm not gonna lie -- we've had a tough week, you and me.  Daddy was home with us for three days in a row because of the holiday and while I enjoyed it, I suffered miserably after he went back to work.  You see, you're quite the "Daddy's boy" these days.  If we both come into your room in the morning, your eyes light up when you see him.  If I happen to reach you first, you shove me out of the way because I'm blocking your view of "him".  I've said before that you have to have tough skin to be a mom, but I'm not sure I've ever quite felt that as strongly as I do after this week.  You greeted me yesterday morning by asking, "Da da?  Da Da?  Da Da?", gave me a shove when I tried to pick you up, then turned your back on me in your crib and gave me a dirty look.  More of the same throughout the day yesterday, so I was quite relieved when Daddy came home last night...just to get a break from the harsh attitude radiating from your little body.  I admit, I did not have a "happy heart" last night.

I wasn't sure what to expect this morning, but sucked up my pride as I walked into your room.  I was greeted with a big, silly grin as you proceeded to play with me like we usually do before I get you out of bed.  I waited to see how the morning would go...and it's been amazing.  You came to me in the kitchen, tugged on my pants and took my hand as you pulled me into the living room with you.  I wondered what you wanted as we went to the couch...and then you climbed up into my lap.  We sat there watching Sesame Street for a good 30 minutes, just cuddling and talking about everything we saw.  You even laid your head on my shoulder a few times and actually squeezed my arm to hug me.  That was a first!   *bliss*

During this time, I began to look at you -- to really look at you and thought about all of the changes in you I've been seeing lately...

For instance, your eyes.  They've started to lose that baby blue color in certain lights.  The gold sunburst in the center has started to take over and they're starting to look a little more green.  (Daddy says your eyes look just like mine...I love how God works that way.)

As I stared at your eyes, I began to notice you were sucking your fingers like you often do when you're relaxing.  I was surprised to see you're starting to get hairy knuckles.  You've always been a hairy little guy, never losing that baby fuzz on your back, but we've recently noticed that it's becoming more and more prominent on your legs too.

Thinking about your fuzzy little legs led me to your feet.  I love those "fat little feets".  I took you to buy new shoes yesterday and was amazed to find out that these feet of yours are actually "extra wide" AND "tall"...meaning...we have a problem when it comes to shoes.  I learned yesterday that the size you need to wear is also known as the same size for a 3-4 year old.  Just a reminder, you're not even 2 yet...but at least you're consistent.  The last time we saw the doctor, he commented that you're about the size of a 3 year old.  Again, a reminder, you're NOT EVEN 2 YET.

The taller you get, the more your belly is disappearing on me.  Sure, it's still round like a Buddha belly after you eat but it doesn't take long to deflate again.  You've been more than half my height for a while now and your Daddy loves to think about how long it will be before you just pass me up.  At this rate, it's just around the corner!

I have so much fun with you these days, but I find myself watching you sleep at night as you wildly take up the majority of your crib, and remembering the tiny little baby we bundled up and put into that same crib so many nights ago.  My heart hurts because those days are long gone, yet my mind soars at the excitement of what's to come.

I can't wait to play catch with you.  I can't wait to joke around with you and for you to tease me back.  I can't wait to sit and watch you play sports...not that we'll force you to...but because I know you will, you're already just that kind of kid.  However...I can wait for the difficulties and pressures of friends you're bound to face at school.  I'm not ready for those sort of things yet, for you're still my baby boy.  In a way, I'll bet you always will be.  It's a good thing we have your Daddy around to guide me in how to just "let you be a boy" or I'd probably try to swaddle you in a blanket every night to keep you "little" forever.  (JUST kidding.)

I sure do love you, my little man.  You've changed my life, you've changed my world, and you've changed me.  How did I get so lucky that God picked ME, of all people, to be your mom?  He must love me too.

Are You Tough Enough?

Are you tough enough to be a mom?  I used to think I was, in my own strength, until last night.  Sure, we've dealt with things like skinned knees, ear infections, and breathing treatments...but last night brought on a new experience for me -- croup.  "Just a virus?"  Try...just something that creates horrible sounds coming out of such a little body, unnatural to humans, equivalent to a seal barking.  Just something that had me so worked up and kept me from falling asleep last night as I feared for the "what if's".  I instantly reverted back into a "new mom" and told Lou that if he hadn't been at home with me, I'd be sleeping on my boy's floor that night just to make sure he was still able to breathe.  Of course, I knew that was silly.  Of course, I eventually fell asleep.  But only after I gave it to God, pleading for Him to watch over my son as we slept. I was surprised by my reaction -- I'm not sure where it came from, as I'm typically more level-minded about things.

No surprise, God pulled through as He always does and I never even heard a peep all night long.  (Actually, we all slept in a bit this morning...I'd say He definitely had His hand on our house!)  So there you have it.  Turns out, I am tough enough to be a mom...but only because I have God to hold me up.

One of Those Days

I'm a smart girl.  I know my way around the kitchen.  I'm comfortable there...

Tell me, then, why did I take my 20 month old son's word for it and try to cut up a cucumber for him at lunch time, only to slice into it and find out it was actually a zucchini?

Geez, woman!  Am I the only one this un-observant?  Good thing it's Friday.

Fall

(Image courtesy of this site because I was too lazy to go take my own today.)

I love Fall. It's a time for cooler temperatures to prevail. It's a time for mums, pumpkins, changing leaves, and pumpkin spice lattes. It's a time for sweatshirts, jackets, and slippers. It's a time for cuddling up in a blanket with a good book while sipping the previously mentioned latte...which I'm beginning to think I need to have pretty soon. And let's face it -- it's a time for covering up our bodily imperfections that are so blatantly on display all summer long. (Amen, sisters?!)

It's also a time for wearing socks. Odd, I know, but I love socks...but only at certain times of the year. Throughout the summer, you will not catch me wearing socks unless I am forced...I repeat, FORCED...to wear tennis shoes. In all honesty, you will not catch me wearing anything that does not equal or resemble a flip flop. If it were up to me, I'd wear flip flops all year round but I'm too big of a wimp. My feet get too cold. Hence, my love for a good pair of socks.

This year, I'm a little too antsy for Fall to arrive I think. Maybe it's the unseasonably cool temperatures we've had this year, I don't know. We have a lot of great plans coming up this Fall that I'm pretty excited about...our annual MS 150 Bike Tour trip, camping, a Mizzou game...some of my favorite things to do with my hubby, I admit! It seems to be the time of year where we take the most "Mommy and Daddy" time away from our precious little boy. Tough on the babysitters, I know, but it's refreshing for me.

For a couple of weeks now, I've been trying to resist it all. I can hear my box of decorations calling to me, telling me to go ahead and bring up those wonderfully scented candles and to proudly display the fall wreath (that I love so much) on our front door. (I'm not normally a wreath person, but in the Fall and around Christmas, I love them.) Most years, I forget that I even have Fall decorations and quickly put them up sometime around Halloween, frustrated that I'll be taking them down again in a month when we decorate for Christmas. This year, they'll get a lot of good use...it's barely September and I have a feeling that by the end of this week they'll all be out, accompanying the mums I *accidentally* bought at the store today.

because He's chosen me?

I recently found myself talking to a friend about some questions I've asked God throughout our journey with infertility..."Why, God? Why us? It's SO easy for others we know -- why not for us?"

After many tears, much heartache, and (mostly) a whole lot of peace from the "Man upstairs", I have found the answer to be quite simple. It's also the reason for the title of my blog...because He's chosen me. (Of course, when I say "me" I'm referring to my husband I both.)

While it's a daily battle at times, I have finally come to realize that this is the life God has chosen for me to live. For whatever reason, He sees me as a stronger person than I see myself, and feels as if I'm able to handle these twists and turns this road of life has given us. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. Do I enjoy it? That depends. Some days -- I'll be honest -- not so much. Others, I simply stand in awe as I gaze upon my precious little boy and I'm reminded that I would not be the person I am today -- his Mommy -- if it were not for this road.

This road has opened up many opportunities for us, "our ministry", you could say. We love to tell our adoption story. We love to talk with those considering adoption, answering any questions we can, reassuring them that the adoption process is not as risky as they make it seem on TV. It's not society's "normal" way to create a family, but it's the way God has chosen for us. We can choose to dwell on the sorrows of what will never be, or we can rejoice in what He has chosen for us to be. I recently ran across a poem by Robert Frost that I've read countless times in my life, but it never hit me quite like this before.

I took the road less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

I feel as if it's the perfect description of our life. We may not be taking the same path as everyone else we know, but if we had, we would not have this amazing little boy in our lives...and THAT has made all the difference.