Two posts in one day?! Sometimes it's necessary because I just can't stop singing this song...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer, awesome in power
Our God, our God...
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
..."What could stand against"? NOTHING. This weekend, You tore through my carefully built walls of hurt, bitterness and rejection, completely removing what has weighed me down for so long. I can physically feel that it's gone. Because of You, my heart feels lighter. Happier. More like my old self again. It's no wonder I can't help but sing Your praises.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Reflecting
Hello Little One,
I'm thinking about you today. I think about you all the time. It's been over 7 weeks since the last time I saw you and I'm so anxious to see you again. We survived our first trimester together and, while I spent too much time wishing it away due to morning sickness, I can't believe that over a third of our time together is already over. It's so hard to believe I have been waiting for 8 years to experience everything I've experienced since July 20th.
Not many women can say that each of their children has made them a new mother, but I can. Your big brother waltzed into our lives in a rush that flew by us so fast, we hardly knew what happened. He made me a Mommy and gave me my first time experiences as a mom. You, on the other hand, are taking a bit slower of a route, requiring a lot of patience, waiting, and nervousness. When you are born -- and even right now and the months to come -- you are also giving me new experiences as a mother that I have never had before. I have never known what morning sickness and fatigue was like. I have never felt a baby move or kick from inside me. I have never felt labor pains. I have never known what it is like to look into the precious eyes of a little one that my body helped to nurture and grow as God created you inside me. I have never nursed a child or known that bond that can only happen between mother and child. Thanks to you, I will have known all of these things by the time April rolls around.
I love the fact that each of you have brought a newness to my life; that God gave each of my children a unique, precious gift to give to me. I pray that you will always know the amazing God we serve and you will never forget the miracles He gave your Daddy and me when he brought you and your brother into our lives. I can hardly wait to see you again next week...please don't be bashful so I know if I should start buying pink or organizing all of our blue!
Love,
Mommy
I'm thinking about you today. I think about you all the time. It's been over 7 weeks since the last time I saw you and I'm so anxious to see you again. We survived our first trimester together and, while I spent too much time wishing it away due to morning sickness, I can't believe that over a third of our time together is already over. It's so hard to believe I have been waiting for 8 years to experience everything I've experienced since July 20th.
Not many women can say that each of their children has made them a new mother, but I can. Your big brother waltzed into our lives in a rush that flew by us so fast, we hardly knew what happened. He made me a Mommy and gave me my first time experiences as a mom. You, on the other hand, are taking a bit slower of a route, requiring a lot of patience, waiting, and nervousness. When you are born -- and even right now and the months to come -- you are also giving me new experiences as a mother that I have never had before. I have never known what morning sickness and fatigue was like. I have never felt a baby move or kick from inside me. I have never felt labor pains. I have never known what it is like to look into the precious eyes of a little one that my body helped to nurture and grow as God created you inside me. I have never nursed a child or known that bond that can only happen between mother and child. Thanks to you, I will have known all of these things by the time April rolls around.
I love the fact that each of you have brought a newness to my life; that God gave each of my children a unique, precious gift to give to me. I pray that you will always know the amazing God we serve and you will never forget the miracles He gave your Daddy and me when he brought you and your brother into our lives. I can hardly wait to see you again next week...please don't be bashful so I know if I should start buying pink or organizing all of our blue!
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My Heart Today: A Confession
I have a confession. The mothering side of my heart has NOT been very happy these days. There's no good reason for it; I've just had ZERO patience with my boy. There's no excuse, really. Nor is there any excuse for my behavior toward him. Once my hubby gets home, my world is set straight again and all is well, but I've really been struggling these last couple weeks in the hours he is not around. I woke up this morning and vaguely remembered praying during a random waking moment that God would help me with this today. As I sat down to read my Bible, this happened to be a portion of what was laid out for me today (from 1 Thessalonians 5:14-18):
...Be patient with EVERYONE.
...ALWAYS be joyful.
...NEVER stop praying.
...Be THANKFUL in ALL circumstances for this is God's will for you.
I'll be the first to admit that I was convicted (and then some)! What amazed me the most was that I set down my Bible and was immediately confronted with a highly annoying situation. I was shocked when I caught myself about to react in the way I usually do and instead of words coming out of my mouth, I was silenced and instead took a deep breath, thinking "be patient with EVERYONE (including your 2 year old)...always be joyful (even when you're easily irritated for no good reason)..." Because of this, today has been a little bit better than my last two weeks. I won't pretend like it was a perfect day because, honestly, I'm far from being perfect. After the way I've felt though, any improvement is welcome.
...Be patient with EVERYONE.
...ALWAYS be joyful.
...NEVER stop praying.
...Be THANKFUL in ALL circumstances for this is God's will for you.
I'll be the first to admit that I was convicted (and then some)! What amazed me the most was that I set down my Bible and was immediately confronted with a highly annoying situation. I was shocked when I caught myself about to react in the way I usually do and instead of words coming out of my mouth, I was silenced and instead took a deep breath, thinking "be patient with EVERYONE (including your 2 year old)...always be joyful (even when you're easily irritated for no good reason)..." Because of this, today has been a little bit better than my last two weeks. I won't pretend like it was a perfect day because, honestly, I'm far from being perfect. After the way I've felt though, any improvement is welcome.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thankful
Lately, I feel as if I do way too much moaning and groaning and do not focus enough on the things that truly matter in my life. In all reality, life is great. I may complain about a day of not feeling well. I may complain about a difficult 2 1/2 (+) year old. I may complain about how I feel like my house isn't ever clean anymore. But really, life is just how I want it to be. The bad things make you appreciate the good. Without them, we wouldn't ever realize just how great things are. Today was a good day...no...a great day. We all laughed, we played, we had fun -- and I stopped doing the dishes to go kiss my man and tell him how much I love this life we have together. I wouldn't trade even my worst day of it for anything in the world, because it's ours.
Thank You, Father for all You've given us. May I never forget and take things for granted, like the privilege of kissing my little one's "stinky foots" when he falls (forcing him into a giggling fit because he thinks it's funny that he got me to kiss his foot). I'd do anything for that boy, Lord. He's the gift in my life that came straight from You and I treasure him oh, so much. I'm forever blessed because You love me enough to create this perfect life for me.
*blissful sigh*
Thank You, Father for all You've given us. May I never forget and take things for granted, like the privilege of kissing my little one's "stinky foots" when he falls (forcing him into a giggling fit because he thinks it's funny that he got me to kiss his foot). I'd do anything for that boy, Lord. He's the gift in my life that came straight from You and I treasure him oh, so much. I'm forever blessed because You love me enough to create this perfect life for me.
*blissful sigh*
Monday, September 27, 2010
Something Special
I was shopping with my husband several months ago and walked past a display of Willow Tree figurines. I'm not a "figurine" type of girl, nor am I a collector of things...okay...other than Starbucks City Scape mugs, I admit! For some reason though, these pregnancy/mothering figurines have always tugged at my heart. I told him that when I get pregnant, he should buy one for me. Knowing me and how I do not normally like this sort of thing, he didn't understand why. *boys!!* I never mentioned this to anyone, but still, every time I saw them, I felt that same tender tug.
A very special friend blessed me with one yesterday, completely out of the blue. It's called "cherish: awaiting a miracle". Every time I look at it today, it brings a peaceful smile to my face and it warms my heart. I am, indeed, awaiting yet another miracle in my life. Thank you, my sweet friend. Your sweet and tender spirit blesses me in more ways you'll ever know!
(For the record, I may have been too tired & out of it to cry yesterday, but I'm crying now as I remember!)
A very special friend blessed me with one yesterday, completely out of the blue. It's called "cherish: awaiting a miracle". Every time I look at it today, it brings a peaceful smile to my face and it warms my heart. I am, indeed, awaiting yet another miracle in my life. Thank you, my sweet friend. Your sweet and tender spirit blesses me in more ways you'll ever know!
(For the record, I may have been too tired & out of it to cry yesterday, but I'm crying now as I remember!)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Step by Step, Stone by Stone
There are times where I tend to lose focus. I tend to forget that nothing is a surprise to God and I unknowingly let my mind -- fear -- take over.
I had a voice mail this morning that my bloodwork came back and my progesterone levels are not high enough for me to stop my injections; they want me to continue to do them for another week. (My estrogen levels looked good, so I should be able to stop taking my pill though!) Instead of calling the nurse back right away, my mind ran wild for a bit. I began to wonder if there was reason to be concerned. I began to panic, just a little bit, for fear of the unknown. I began to wonder if we told everyone too soon and if something horrible was going to happen. It's amazing how the mind can go from peace to complete chaos in a matter of seconds. I decided I should call the nurse to ask about all of this before I got further in my panic. She said that when they're adjusting the dosage like this, it's not uncommon for the levels to go down like mine have. At 12 weeks, the placenta starts to make it's own progesterone and the levels start to go back up. {A little fun fact for you!} I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. Just to be safe, she's pretty sure he'll want to continue my injections for another week.
I sat down to re-read and re-confess the section regarding miscarriage in my book. (It seems like I have gone to that section a lot in the last few months...it's amazing how quickly someone who thinks they have faith can be overrun by emotions and circumstances! Thankfully, it doesn't ever take long to realize it.) As I was reading this morning, I remembered my vision from what feels like an eternity ago. Step by step, stone by stone, He guides me down this path He has laid out for our growing family. He's right here with me. I do not have to fear for these results, for this baby, for any of this. He has not given me the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) I can't imagine how people go through life without God, but I sure wouldn't want to try it! He's the only reason I'm left standing some days.
Side note: I don't plan to make every single post about pregnancy for the next 6 months, but it's where I am in my life, so it's what you get for now. I'll try to throw in some other things once in a while so you're not sick of me talking about it! :)
**UPDATE** My doctor officially said I can stop taking my estrogen pills AND, while we still have to do the progesterone injections for another 5 days, I only have to do it ONCE a day now! Small victories. :)
I had a voice mail this morning that my bloodwork came back and my progesterone levels are not high enough for me to stop my injections; they want me to continue to do them for another week. (My estrogen levels looked good, so I should be able to stop taking my pill though!) Instead of calling the nurse back right away, my mind ran wild for a bit. I began to wonder if there was reason to be concerned. I began to panic, just a little bit, for fear of the unknown. I began to wonder if we told everyone too soon and if something horrible was going to happen. It's amazing how the mind can go from peace to complete chaos in a matter of seconds. I decided I should call the nurse to ask about all of this before I got further in my panic. She said that when they're adjusting the dosage like this, it's not uncommon for the levels to go down like mine have. At 12 weeks, the placenta starts to make it's own progesterone and the levels start to go back up. {A little fun fact for you!} I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. Just to be safe, she's pretty sure he'll want to continue my injections for another week.
I sat down to re-read and re-confess the section regarding miscarriage in my book. (It seems like I have gone to that section a lot in the last few months...it's amazing how quickly someone who thinks they have faith can be overrun by emotions and circumstances! Thankfully, it doesn't ever take long to realize it.) As I was reading this morning, I remembered my vision from what feels like an eternity ago. Step by step, stone by stone, He guides me down this path He has laid out for our growing family. He's right here with me. I do not have to fear for these results, for this baby, for any of this. He has not given me the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) I can't imagine how people go through life without God, but I sure wouldn't want to try it! He's the only reason I'm left standing some days.
Side note: I don't plan to make every single post about pregnancy for the next 6 months, but it's where I am in my life, so it's what you get for now. I'll try to throw in some other things once in a while so you're not sick of me talking about it! :)
**UPDATE** My doctor officially said I can stop taking my estrogen pills AND, while we still have to do the progesterone injections for another 5 days, I only have to do it ONCE a day now! Small victories. :)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
All the glory, Part 2
I appear to have a quiet moment to myself and am in such a mental state this afternoon that I feel I just need to write. I stumbled upon the scripture I used on our pregnancy announcement a few weeks before we went for our embryo transfer and I knew immediately that I wanted it to be the headline of our "big news".
It's exactly how I feel about this entire pregnancy, this entire process, this entire phase of my life. Some may give me credit for persevering through everything we have gone through. Some may say we deserve it after our hardships in this area. Some may say I've been so good about taking my medications and keeping things going as they need to, that's why this was a success. Some may say my doctor is great and has a good reputation in this area. But that's simply not it.
Every single aspect of this is God. Without God breathing life into that embryo, I have nothing. Without God nudging me to push for a July transfer date, I do not have this particular embryo - the one He specifically chose for us to raise. The timing of it all may have felt crazy in our lives, but it was perfect in His eyes. Until the day I take my last breath, I will forever give Him credit for all He has given us; for His unfailing love and faithfulness.
I was just looking back at a few previous posts and this one in particular caught my eye. I remember this day and I'm so glad I wrote with such honesty. This was the day I had gotten my first round of bloodwork done and was waiting to hear the results of my pregnancy test. I was so afraid; nervous; excited; antsy; scared...yet full of faith, knowing He is good. When I got the news, I gasped. I barely heard what the nurse was telling me, but I knew I had to listen. My hCG levels weren't as high as they would've like to see them (over 50, mine were 33), but I was still pregnant and they were "looking up", remaining hopeful. I hung up the phone with her and sobbed...and sobbed...and SOBBED at the amazingness of it all. I'm not sure words can even describe what I was feeling in that moment. I was in awe. I was blessed beyond belief, once again. I was still nervous about the idea of now being pregnant. I was SCARED because of the results. Then I realized...I was the recipient of yet another miracle...of course things were going to be fine! I immediately went to find a book a friend had recommended to me for the scripture and prayer/confession segments. I immediately found the one on miscarriage and prayed the prayer out loud with my hand on my stomach, confessing everything before God and declaring His word. Three days later, I had more bloodwork done and my levels were still not as high as they would like (over 100, mine were 87), but they had - indeed - more than doubled like they wanted them to, so they were still being optimistic. Two days later, I went once again and received a message ending with "Congratulations!" They wanted my levels to be over 200 and mine were at 241. (Praise God!)
Now here I am, 3 ultrasounds in, 3 more rounds of bloodwork, 3 doctor visits, and 11 weeks pregnant on Saturday. (Oh, to remember the days I never thought I'd say those words!) I'm antsy about stopping my medications (mostly the injections!) but really, if it's good for the baby, how can I complain? God knows what's best for the baby and what's best for me. I just have to remind myself every once in a while that He's the one who sits on the throne, not me.
By the way...did you happen to notice my subliminal message when I put up my new header a while back? I grew those tomatoes in our garden. Lou's the big one, I'm in the middle, and our two kids are next to us. See, if only you'd been paying attention, you might have been the first to guess our news! Hee-hee ;)
Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name goes all the glory
for your unfailing love and faithfulness. Psalm 115:1
It's exactly how I feel about this entire pregnancy, this entire process, this entire phase of my life. Some may give me credit for persevering through everything we have gone through. Some may say we deserve it after our hardships in this area. Some may say I've been so good about taking my medications and keeping things going as they need to, that's why this was a success. Some may say my doctor is great and has a good reputation in this area. But that's simply not it.
Every single aspect of this is God. Without God breathing life into that embryo, I have nothing. Without God nudging me to push for a July transfer date, I do not have this particular embryo - the one He specifically chose for us to raise. The timing of it all may have felt crazy in our lives, but it was perfect in His eyes. Until the day I take my last breath, I will forever give Him credit for all He has given us; for His unfailing love and faithfulness.
I was just looking back at a few previous posts and this one in particular caught my eye. I remember this day and I'm so glad I wrote with such honesty. This was the day I had gotten my first round of bloodwork done and was waiting to hear the results of my pregnancy test. I was so afraid; nervous; excited; antsy; scared...yet full of faith, knowing He is good. When I got the news, I gasped. I barely heard what the nurse was telling me, but I knew I had to listen. My hCG levels weren't as high as they would've like to see them (over 50, mine were 33), but I was still pregnant and they were "looking up", remaining hopeful. I hung up the phone with her and sobbed...and sobbed...and SOBBED at the amazingness of it all. I'm not sure words can even describe what I was feeling in that moment. I was in awe. I was blessed beyond belief, once again. I was still nervous about the idea of now being pregnant. I was SCARED because of the results. Then I realized...I was the recipient of yet another miracle...of course things were going to be fine! I immediately went to find a book a friend had recommended to me for the scripture and prayer/confession segments. I immediately found the one on miscarriage and prayed the prayer out loud with my hand on my stomach, confessing everything before God and declaring His word. Three days later, I had more bloodwork done and my levels were still not as high as they would like (over 100, mine were 87), but they had - indeed - more than doubled like they wanted them to, so they were still being optimistic. Two days later, I went once again and received a message ending with "Congratulations!" They wanted my levels to be over 200 and mine were at 241. (Praise God!)
Now here I am, 3 ultrasounds in, 3 more rounds of bloodwork, 3 doctor visits, and 11 weeks pregnant on Saturday. (Oh, to remember the days I never thought I'd say those words!) I'm antsy about stopping my medications (mostly the injections!) but really, if it's good for the baby, how can I complain? God knows what's best for the baby and what's best for me. I just have to remind myself every once in a while that He's the one who sits on the throne, not me.
By the way...did you happen to notice my subliminal message when I put up my new header a while back? I grew those tomatoes in our garden. Lou's the big one, I'm in the middle, and our two kids are next to us. See, if only you'd been paying attention, you might have been the first to guess our news! Hee-hee ;)
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