Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Before our son came home and made me a mom, emotionally, I could not hardly stand to be around pregnant women, for it seemed as if "being pregnant" was all they talked about (and, quite frankly, it hurt too much to hear all about it).  It got better after I could at least relate to the motherhood side of things, but I found myself in many conversations where I just could not relate and had nothing to contribute.  Since I've been pregnant, I've tried to keep my thoughts and words under control, but as I get closer to baby girl's arrival, I find myself doing it...I'm just like everyone else, maybe even annoying because I'm so obsessed by all of it.  Hopefully, if you're reading my blog, you expect this and will not be surprised in the least that 99% of my latest - and future - posts will at least mention "the baby"!  :)  [NOTE: Umm...I think I might have blogged about all of that already.  Sorry.  I can't remember anymore!]

Okay, back to my original intent for this post...these thoughts I've been having.  Some are normal, some are more serious and emotional, and some are just plain irrational -- for instance -- What if this is just some big joke all of these doctors are playing on us and there's not really a baby in there?  {Umm, excuse me, but...WHAT?!!  You've seen the baby, Sarah.  You've felt the baby.  You know the baby is in there.  ...Who even thinks that sort of thing?!} It's not like it's something I've dwelled on or anything -- it was more of a passing thought as I was trying to fall asleep last night.  It stuck with me this morning because I found it to be so hilariously ridiculous and apparently, I felt the need to admit it to the world (well, anyone who reads this).

Other thoughts are more natural (and very random!)...
- I still wonder what she'll look like.  (In our case, this is a BIG mystery!)

- My water...

• Will my water break when I'm sitting in church, causing me to have to "nonchalantly" walk to the back of church as it drips down my legs, leaving a spot on the pew and a trail the whole way up that massively long aisle?  
• Should we start sitting in the back pew at some point, for that reason?  
• Will I wake up in the middle of the night and think I've wet the bed?  
• Will I have to have it done in the hospital because it didn't break on its own?  
• What if I'm driving in the car, trying to tune out my boy's demands, exhausted after a shopping trip and it breaks right there as I'm driving down the road?  
• Does that ruin car seats?  lol

- Labor...

• Will I go into labor when my hubby is at work or at home?
• Will he actually answer his phone when I make "the call" or will I be driving myself and our 3 year old to the hospital?  (Okay, that one's a bit extreme.)
• Who is going to take our boy for us, for how long, and how is that all going to work?
• Who is going to want to be at the hospital?
• Will I really try to do this without an epidural, or will I feel my first contraction and think I was absolutely INSANE for considering it?
• Will it be a natural labor process or will I be induced for some reason?  
• When will she'll arrive -- early April?  Late March?  Just not on my sweet little miracle nephew's 1st birthday, PLEASE God!  (There are two links to "his story" there.)

- Will she look like us at all?  In an adoption, it's not common, but (amazingly) our boy sure does!
- I can't believe it's February already...when our childbirth classes and (two) baby showers are scheduled!
- I'm still itching to get her room finished, but must wait on the hubby to hang everything.  Having patience is one thing, but I'm about to set my foot down and claim it's "nesting".  I mean, the picture frames have been ready to hang for like TWO WHOLE DAYS!  lol

Then there are some more serious...
- Surely, after carrying her for 9 months, I'll bond with her as if she were genetically my (our) own, right?  ...RIGHT?
- I can do this whole "SAHM of two, breastfeeding a newborn for the first time with an active and persistent 3 year old boy" thing.  I'm not the first to do it.  I can handle it.
- On that note, I may not let my husband leave to go to work ever again.  At least for the first 6 months.
- Breastfeeding.  Let's not even get me started on the questions I have about that.  Hopefully, this class we're taking next week will answer a lot of my concerns!

Apparently, it makes me feel better to do a "mental dump" post like this every now and then. No, I didn't answer any of my questions -- there aren't answers right now to most of them -- but at least it's not all swirling around in my head anymore!

Moods

Today, my moods are giving me whiplash.  There.  I admit it.  I'm irrational and out of control one minute...calm, peaceful and laughing the next...and who even knows what the next minute after that will bring!  It's bad enough when you see someone else going through this, but to realize it's your own self?  Yuck.  To know that it's (mostly) pregnancy hormones causing it all and there's not a whole lot you can do about it?  Double yuck.  Even so...I'm amazed to think that there is One who still loves me the same, even when I'm disappointing Him by my attitude and actions.  I don't deserve that kind of Love, but I sure am grateful for it.  Just thinking about it brings a peace to my spirit where raging turmoil once sat just moments ago.  How deep...how wide...how great...is Your love for me.  Lord, I'm truly amazed by You.

Next on the Agenda

Prepare yourself for a mental 'dump'!

Christmas has come and gone.  My boy is three years old and it's as if a magical switch flipped that day...gone is the fierce attitude of the two's and welcome is this (more) agreeable child who understands things when you explain the "why's" and "why not's" to him...sometimes.  Three birthday parties down (one with us, one with his friends and one with family), and I now face the final item on my agenda.  Our baby girl.

Breastfeeding and childbirth classes begin in just a few weeks.  Baby showers too.  Her room is painted, the crib is assembled once again, and the extra furniture has been cleared out.  I finally have an idea of what I want to hang on her walls; now it's just a matter of actually making a few decisions and DOING it.  I'm 28 weeks along and my third trimester has officially begun.  According to the pregnancy app on my phone, I have 11 weeks and 3 days until my due date.  Maybe less...hopefully not more.  That's less than three months.  In regular life, three months is quite a bit of time.  Looking at my calendar though, three months is not very long at all.

I need to go through baby clothes given to me to truly sort through what I have and decide what I need.  I need to stop piling random stuff in her room and get used to the fact that it can no longer be the dumping ground for things I do not feel like dealing with in the moment.  I need to stop procrastinating and just FINISH a few things I've started.  I need to stop worrying about how on earth I'm going to handle a newborn baby and a three year old on very little sleep.  (I know I'm not the first to go through it; I just don't know how people DO it!  I have many worries in that area that I won't even get into!)

I have all of these things running through my head that need to be done, but I need to stop.  Pause.  Slow down.  I am enjoying this part of my pregnancy more than any other and I don't want to miss it as I rush through these last weeks.  This is my one time to experience this and I don't want to miss one moment.  For now, I will just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).  I will not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself.  (Matthew 6:24).  I will remember that it doesn't all have to be done before she comes home. I will remember that it's not all up to me.  And...I will refer back to this post to remind myself of these things.  :)

Three.

- two weeks old -

Three years ago today, at 2:39pm, I had no idea that my life had changed.  I was not there to hear your first cries.  I was not there to count your fingers and toes.  I was not there to gaze into your eyes for the very first time.  Even so, my life was better, for I'm here now to hear and tend to those cries; to hold and to wash those fingers and toes; and to gaze into those beautiful eyes (whenever you stand still long enough for me to).  I may have missed your first two weeks of life, but in the span of a lifetime, two weeks is not much at all -- my heart is yours, as if I had been the one to carry you for those 9 months.  What matters is that you are forever my son now...and I am forever grateful to Him for giving you to us to love.  I love you, bubby.  Happy 3rd Birthday!

- three short years later -

Snuggles

You woke up from your nap yesterday, extremely crabby, and you let me snuggle you for what felt like an eternity.  As I sat there on the couch holding you, kissing your head, and scratching your back, the memories all came flooding back as I began to think of all the times I've done this in the past.  It was mostly when you were just an itty bitty, brand new baby.  We did a lot of cuddling back then and I never wanted to let you out of my arms.  I wanted to keep you safe and protected there forever, never letting you go.  However, that focus must change (to some degree), for you are about to turn 3 on Sunday.  My focus now is to hold you close when you need it, but also keep you at arm's length to let you grow, discover, try, and {sigh} even fail.  We've had a difficult year together, me and you.  Part of it is your strong personality and your age, but it's me too -- I've been "altered" by medications and pregnancy hormones for most of this year, and I know that I'm not "quite right" either.  Still, you seem to love me just the same so I must be doing something right.  It makes my heart hurt when you refuse your daddy and you call for me, but I must confess that deep down inside, it also makes me melt...every time.  I'm not really ready to face the changing and growing you will do in the next year; to let go of my baby and to see the little boy that is before my eyes.  So until Sunday, I'll just keep pretending.

More Than I Deserve

I'm sitting in my warm house that's all decorated for Christmas - a stomach full of food and much "play time" already in the books for the day when I suddenly realized...I'm so blessed.  My (almost) 3 year old is content and spent some time cuddling with me while he played, constantly telling me, "Mommy, I wuhs (love) you".  My baby girl is healthily kicking away inside of me (to the point of actually bumping the laptop resting on my belly!).  My husband, whom I'm still madly in love with after 15 years together, is at work at a full-time job he enjoys.  And here I sit, in utter bliss.  I think of the adoption agency's news of a newborn baby that sits at the hospital, his forever family just chosen yesterday.  I'm so excited for that couple who will soon become this little man's Mommy and Daddy.  What better Christmas present for them to receive than the gift of this little boy?  (I should know -- we had a similar Christmas gift nearly 3 years ago, it just arrived a few weeks late!)  This time of year makes me feel...nostalgic.  Emotional.  Sentimental.  Mushy.  It makes me want to drive to the home of every person I know and hug them, telling them what they mean to me and how much I love them.  Since that's obviously not a reality, I'll just continue to sit here, enjoying my contentedness and smiling at the life God has blessed me with.  Thank You, Father - it's more than I deserve.

Movement

Hey there, little one -

I've been feeling you move for a few weeks now and, I admit, I smile to myself every time.  Even in this last week, there have been times that I laugh at myself for initially thinking my stomach is gurgling because I easily forget that I can feel you.  I love every time you move, even when it's swift kicks to my bladder when I've had too much water, or it's constant jabs to my side when I'm trying to fall asleep.  These are the moments I have been waiting for...the moments I have dreamed of for so long...part of the reason why we chose this route to expand our family.

For the entire first trimester, and then a few weeks after, I kept wondering if I was crazy or if everyone else was crazy when they said they loved being pregnant.  I was sick.  I was exhausted.  I felt awful.  Thankfully, all of that has past now and I totally get it.  I've officially joined the club of those who love being pregnant!  Feeling you inside of me makes this long road almost forgettable.  Feeling you roll around right now as I type and having your big brother randomly come up to stroke my belly, kissing it and saying "I feel you baby" just makes my heart melt again and again.  I can't wait to see your beautiful face and to find out what you look like!

Love,
Mommy