Three.

- two weeks old -

Three years ago today, at 2:39pm, I had no idea that my life had changed.  I was not there to hear your first cries.  I was not there to count your fingers and toes.  I was not there to gaze into your eyes for the very first time.  Even so, my life was better, for I'm here now to hear and tend to those cries; to hold and to wash those fingers and toes; and to gaze into those beautiful eyes (whenever you stand still long enough for me to).  I may have missed your first two weeks of life, but in the span of a lifetime, two weeks is not much at all -- my heart is yours, as if I had been the one to carry you for those 9 months.  What matters is that you are forever my son now...and I am forever grateful to Him for giving you to us to love.  I love you, bubby.  Happy 3rd Birthday!

- three short years later -

Snuggles

You woke up from your nap yesterday, extremely crabby, and you let me snuggle you for what felt like an eternity.  As I sat there on the couch holding you, kissing your head, and scratching your back, the memories all came flooding back as I began to think of all the times I've done this in the past.  It was mostly when you were just an itty bitty, brand new baby.  We did a lot of cuddling back then and I never wanted to let you out of my arms.  I wanted to keep you safe and protected there forever, never letting you go.  However, that focus must change (to some degree), for you are about to turn 3 on Sunday.  My focus now is to hold you close when you need it, but also keep you at arm's length to let you grow, discover, try, and {sigh} even fail.  We've had a difficult year together, me and you.  Part of it is your strong personality and your age, but it's me too -- I've been "altered" by medications and pregnancy hormones for most of this year, and I know that I'm not "quite right" either.  Still, you seem to love me just the same so I must be doing something right.  It makes my heart hurt when you refuse your daddy and you call for me, but I must confess that deep down inside, it also makes me melt...every time.  I'm not really ready to face the changing and growing you will do in the next year; to let go of my baby and to see the little boy that is before my eyes.  So until Sunday, I'll just keep pretending.

More Than I Deserve

I'm sitting in my warm house that's all decorated for Christmas - a stomach full of food and much "play time" already in the books for the day when I suddenly realized...I'm so blessed.  My (almost) 3 year old is content and spent some time cuddling with me while he played, constantly telling me, "Mommy, I wuhs (love) you".  My baby girl is healthily kicking away inside of me (to the point of actually bumping the laptop resting on my belly!).  My husband, whom I'm still madly in love with after 15 years together, is at work at a full-time job he enjoys.  And here I sit, in utter bliss.  I think of the adoption agency's news of a newborn baby that sits at the hospital, his forever family just chosen yesterday.  I'm so excited for that couple who will soon become this little man's Mommy and Daddy.  What better Christmas present for them to receive than the gift of this little boy?  (I should know -- we had a similar Christmas gift nearly 3 years ago, it just arrived a few weeks late!)  This time of year makes me feel...nostalgic.  Emotional.  Sentimental.  Mushy.  It makes me want to drive to the home of every person I know and hug them, telling them what they mean to me and how much I love them.  Since that's obviously not a reality, I'll just continue to sit here, enjoying my contentedness and smiling at the life God has blessed me with.  Thank You, Father - it's more than I deserve.

Movement

Hey there, little one -

I've been feeling you move for a few weeks now and, I admit, I smile to myself every time.  Even in this last week, there have been times that I laugh at myself for initially thinking my stomach is gurgling because I easily forget that I can feel you.  I love every time you move, even when it's swift kicks to my bladder when I've had too much water, or it's constant jabs to my side when I'm trying to fall asleep.  These are the moments I have been waiting for...the moments I have dreamed of for so long...part of the reason why we chose this route to expand our family.

For the entire first trimester, and then a few weeks after, I kept wondering if I was crazy or if everyone else was crazy when they said they loved being pregnant.  I was sick.  I was exhausted.  I felt awful.  Thankfully, all of that has past now and I totally get it.  I've officially joined the club of those who love being pregnant!  Feeling you inside of me makes this long road almost forgettable.  Feeling you roll around right now as I type and having your big brother randomly come up to stroke my belly, kissing it and saying "I feel you baby" just makes my heart melt again and again.  I can't wait to see your beautiful face and to find out what you look like!

Love,
Mommy

18 Weeks and Counting...

As of today, I'm officially 18 weeks along!  I had an ultrasound on Thursday, where we found out there will be lots of pink in our future...IT'S A GIRL!

Due to the fact that she is not genetically related to either my husband or I, my doctor sent me for a comprehensive ultrasound.  The technician felt it was a bit early to be doing one, (she prefers at least 20 weeks) but she tried her best.  I have to go back in 4 weeks to finish it up, partially because the baby would not flip over so she could complete her assessment, but also because certain things (like her heart) are just not big enough yet for them to truly evaluate it.  (I must say, I'm not upset that I get to spend another half hour of my life looking at the little princess growing inside of me!)

God, You are so amazing.

(Post copied from our Embryo Adoption blog.)

National Adoption Month

If you have not already heard, November is National Adoption Month.  I've shared similar thoughts and the video below on another blog several years ago, but now that I'm in a different place in my life, I find myself thinking about it all again.

I encourage anyone who reads this, if you know of someone who is pregnant and unsure...please, please, PLEASE encourage them to look into adoption.  Even if they don't go through with it and decide to parent the child themselves, they can get counseling to help them walk through their decision and they will not be alone.

You see, I would not be the person I am today if not for adoption.  My pregnant (with our second adopted child), emotional self can hardly stand to think of where I might be if that miracle had not come into my life almost three years ago.  It's not that I was headed down a bad path or anything; I just can't even fathom how -- emotionally -- I would have been able to keep on going.  If we had not chosen adoption, it would have meant giving up on my dreams of being a mom.  It would mean that I would not know the feel of sweet little boy hugs and kisses and I would not know the sound of his voice.  I would not know of his scents and I would not know the things he fears or the things he loves.  I would not know him and I would not have the memories of the first moments we became a forever family; the thoughts I had and the feelings I felt the instant he was placed in my arms.  Where there once had been a huge, aching hole, my heart was immediately full and overflowing.  The thought of missing out on those moments makes my heart shatter into millions of pieces.  

Thankfully, God knew.  While my husband had been ready for years (and never told me, but waited for me to come to the decision on my own), God changed my heart and prompted me to pursue this new road in our lives.  He knew just what we needed and created this little boy to be ours; to fit perfectly into our family.  I know that it was Him who guided my boy's birthmom through all of the family profiles and caused her to choose only ours to give her most precious gift.

Many people are afraid, as I once was, of birthmothers.  The things you see on TV often encourage this fear, but in reality, adoptive families are very well protected by laws if things are done correctly.  The book I referenced in our other blog changed our views about birthmothers.  They're not crazy people who make rash decisions.  They're incredible women who love their child SO much that they choose a different life for them when they know they can not provide.  I can't even fathom what it must take to have the strength to follow through with this decision and know you made the right choice...but I'm glad there are women out there who do.

** Warning: Even when I'm not pregnant, I sob when I watch this video **

(You can also view this video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqqj35r8aUc)

Greater - Stronger - Lighter.

Two posts in one day?!  Sometimes it's necessary because I just can't stop singing this song...

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer, awesome in power
Our God, our God...


And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?

..."What could stand against"?  NOTHING.  This weekend, You tore through my carefully built walls of hurt, bitterness and rejection, completely removing what has weighed me down for so long.  I can physically feel that it's gone.  Because of You, my heart feels lighter.  Happier.  More like my old self again.  It's no wonder I can't help but sing Your praises.