I'm waiting. I'm anxious. I'm impatient. And I'm content. Wait...what?! Content? I don't typically "wait" well for things (hence, the anxiousness and impatience), so I find it odd to look inside myself and find contentment too. I'm on the verge of complete fulfillment of a dream I have literally had since I was a little girl. It's so close, I can almost touch it. Any day now, it could be 100% fulfilled. I just don't know when that day might be. (According to my pregnancy ticker, it's only 19 days away!)
So why am I content? I'm just trying to slow myself down and remember to enjoy this time I still have. On the outside, it's just our family of 3. Me and my boy. A mother of one. On the inside, it's just her and me - and no one else. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to share her or that I'm just SO physically comfortable these days that I don't want her to come out. That's certainly not the case at all! It's just knowing that after she's born, so many things will be different.
My boy won't have the attention he used to. My love, hugs, kisses, arms, and lap will have to be shared. A bit of freedom that I have gained with a 3 year old will be lost as we re-enter the infant stage.
I'll never again feel her move inside of me. I'll never feel her stretch from head to toe and be able to complain at her that it hurts, insisting there's just NOT ENOUGH ROOM to do that. She won't be in there to flip-flop around or to practice kickboxing as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. I won't be the only one to feel her hiccups...like I do right now!
However, I will be able to introduce her to so many people who have been praying for her. I will be able to gaze into her eyes and feel her in my arms as I take in her sweet smells, knowing that because of Him and His faithfulness, my body carried her safely through a full-term pregnancy and brought her into this world. I'll be able to grant her big brother's current request to hold "baby sister" and allow him to give her kisses.
A song came to mind as I was thinking about all of this. As a mom, it's always "gotten me", bringing me to tears wherever I am as I realize that there are times I DO wish certain days/ages/phases would pass. But Trace Adkins is right -- I AM going to miss this. All of it.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
Today is February 14th -- Valentine's Day. I've been thinking all day about how much things have changed over the years. Our first Valentine's Day was celebrated just 4 months after we began dating. Now here we are -- 16 Valentine's Days later, 11 years into our marriage, one boy, and a baby girl on the way. Gone are the nights of nice, expensive dinners. Gone are the gifts of a dozen red roses. (Though I ADORE roses, I quickly put the nix on that not long after I quit working and saw the credit card bill for said roses that died in less than a week!) Gone are the times of getting dressed up, trying to look just perfect for him, before we went out for a night of fun (along with the other couples we practically shared a table with because the restaurants cram you in so tightly). I can't say I'm sad about any this. In my 8th month of pregnancy, I just can't say I'm willing to deal with the hassle of it all. Babysitter. Crowds. Reservations. High prices. "So-so" food because they have so many people to serve. Waiting. I'm content with the night at home we have planned for tonight. Lasagna, a caesar salad, and garlic bread for dinner (because it's what my hubby loves to eat) and specially decorated brownies for my Valentines for dessert. (My cravings had nothing to do with making the brownies...it was all for them...really.) Some may look at our plans and call us dull. I call us perfect, for the life we're currently living is the reason our night is so uneventful...and I love it.
**UPDATE** As pointed out in my comments, I DID, indeed receive a dozen red roses this year for Valentine's Day. Such a sweet man. :)
**UPDATE** As pointed out in my comments, I DID, indeed receive a dozen red roses this year for Valentine's Day. Such a sweet man. :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
EIGHT months?!
Another post about pregnancy...surprise, surprise.
As of this past Saturday, I am 31 weeks along. I just got an email about my 8th month of pregnancy and it got me searching to see if that was really true. (Surely it couldn't be. My due date is 2 months from today!) That whole concept of a pregnancy being 40 weeks or 9 months confuses me to no end, but I found this chart, and sure enough...8 months is here. Holy schamoli - how did that happen?!
As of this past Saturday, I am 31 weeks along. I just got an email about my 8th month of pregnancy and it got me searching to see if that was really true. (Surely it couldn't be. My due date is 2 months from today!) That whole concept of a pregnancy being 40 weeks or 9 months confuses me to no end, but I found this chart, and sure enough...8 months is here. Holy schamoli - how did that happen?!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Things Change
If you asked me a few weeks ago if I was ready to stop being pregnant, I would've said NO WAY! But things can change. I love feeling you inside of me. I love when you kick, and yes, even when it hurts, for it means I'm carrying a little life in there -- and that's a life-long desire I've shed many tears over for 8 years. However, as April 9th approaches (9 weeks from tomorrow!), I find that I'm getting anxious. I want to feel you moving around inside, but I also want to feel you in my arms. I want to continue guessing with your Daddy how you're positioned and trying to see if I'll ever catch a glimpse of an elbow or a knee, but I also long to gaze into your eyes and to hear your soft breathing as you sleep.
But I will wait, for I do not want you to come too early. You stay right where you are, little one, and keep on cooking. We'll have our moments when you get here. I love you already!
But I will wait, for I do not want you to come too early. You stay right where you are, little one, and keep on cooking. We'll have our moments when you get here. I love you already!
Thinking
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Before our son came home and made me a mom, emotionally, I could not hardly stand to be around pregnant women, for it seemed as if "being pregnant" was all they talked about (and, quite frankly, it hurt too much to hear all about it). It got better after I could at least relate to the motherhood side of things, but I found myself in many conversations where I just could not relate and had nothing to contribute. Since I've been pregnant, I've tried to keep my thoughts and words under control, but as I get closer to baby girl's arrival, I find myself doing it...I'm just like everyone else, maybe even annoying because I'm so obsessed by all of it. Hopefully, if you're reading my blog, you expect this and will not be surprised in the least that 99% of my latest - and future - posts will at least mention "the baby"! :) [NOTE: Umm...I think I might have blogged about all of that already. Sorry. I can't remember anymore!]
Okay, back to my original intent for this post...these thoughts I've been having. Some are normal, some are more serious and emotional, and some are just plain irrational -- for instance -- What if this is just some big joke all of these doctors are playing on us and there's not really a baby in there? {Umm, excuse me, but...WHAT?!! You've seen the baby, Sarah. You've felt the baby. You know the baby is in there. ...Who even thinks that sort of thing?!} It's not like it's something I've dwelled on or anything -- it was more of a passing thought as I was trying to fall asleep last night. It stuck with me this morning because I found it to be so hilariously ridiculous and apparently, I felt the need to admit it to the world (well, anyone who reads this).
Other thoughts are more natural (and very random!)...
- I still wonder what she'll look like. (In our case, this is a BIG mystery!)
- I can't believe it's February already...when our childbirth classes and (two) baby showers are scheduled!
- I'm still itching to get her room finished, but must wait on the hubby to hang everything. Having patience is one thing, but I'm about to set my foot down and claim it's "nesting". I mean, the picture frames have been ready to hang for like TWO WHOLE DAYS! lol
Then there are some more serious...
- Surely, after carrying her for 9 months, I'll bond with her as if she were genetically my (our) own, right? ...RIGHT?
- I can do this whole "SAHM of two, breastfeeding a newborn for the first time with an active and persistent 3 year old boy" thing. I'm not the first to do it. I can handle it.
- On that note, I may not let my husband leave to go to work ever again. At least for the first 6 months.
- Breastfeeding. Let's not even get me started on the questions I have about that. Hopefully, this class we're taking next week will answer a lot of my concerns!
Apparently, it makes me feel better to do a "mental dump" post like this every now and then. No, I didn't answer any of my questions -- there aren't answers right now to most of them -- but at least it's not all swirling around in my head anymore!
Okay, back to my original intent for this post...these thoughts I've been having. Some are normal, some are more serious and emotional, and some are just plain irrational -- for instance -- What if this is just some big joke all of these doctors are playing on us and there's not really a baby in there? {Umm, excuse me, but...WHAT?!! You've seen the baby, Sarah. You've felt the baby. You know the baby is in there. ...Who even thinks that sort of thing?!} It's not like it's something I've dwelled on or anything -- it was more of a passing thought as I was trying to fall asleep last night. It stuck with me this morning because I found it to be so hilariously ridiculous and apparently, I felt the need to admit it to the world (well, anyone who reads this).
Other thoughts are more natural (and very random!)...
- I still wonder what she'll look like. (In our case, this is a BIG mystery!)
- My water...
- Will my water break when I'm sitting in church, causing me to have to "nonchalantly" walk to the back of church as it drips down my legs, leaving a spot on the pew and a trail the whole way up that massively long aisle?
- Should we start sitting in the back pew at some point, for that reason?
- Will I wake up in the middle of the night and think I've wet the bed?
- Will I have to have it done in the hospital because it didn't break on its own?
- What if I'm driving in the car, trying to tune out my boy's demands, exhausted after a shopping trip and it breaks right there as I'm driving down the road?
- Does that ruin car seats? lol
- Labor...
- Will I go into labor when my hubby is at work or at home?
- Will he actually answer his phone when I make "the call" or will I be driving myself and our 3 year old to the hospital? (Okay, that one's a bit extreme.)
- Who is going to take our boy for us, for how long, and how is that all going to work?
- Who is going to want to be at the hospital?
- Will I really try to do this without an epidural, or will I feel my first contraction and think I was absolutely INSANE for considering it?
- Will it be a natural labor process or will I be induced for some reason?
- When will she'll arrive -- early April? Late March? Just not on my sweet little miracle nephew's 1st birthday, PLEASE God! (There are two links to "his story" there.)
- I can't believe it's February already...when our childbirth classes and (two) baby showers are scheduled!
- I'm still itching to get her room finished, but must wait on the hubby to hang everything. Having patience is one thing, but I'm about to set my foot down and claim it's "nesting". I mean, the picture frames have been ready to hang for like TWO WHOLE DAYS! lol
Then there are some more serious...
- Surely, after carrying her for 9 months, I'll bond with her as if she were genetically my (our) own, right? ...RIGHT?
- I can do this whole "SAHM of two, breastfeeding a newborn for the first time with an active and persistent 3 year old boy" thing. I'm not the first to do it. I can handle it.
- On that note, I may not let my husband leave to go to work ever again. At least for the first 6 months.
- Breastfeeding. Let's not even get me started on the questions I have about that. Hopefully, this class we're taking next week will answer a lot of my concerns!
Apparently, it makes me feel better to do a "mental dump" post like this every now and then. No, I didn't answer any of my questions -- there aren't answers right now to most of them -- but at least it's not all swirling around in my head anymore!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Moods
Today, my moods are giving me whiplash. There. I admit it. I'm irrational and out of control one minute...calm, peaceful and laughing the next...and who even knows what the next minute after that will bring! It's bad enough when you see someone else going through this, but to realize it's your own self? Yuck. To know that it's (mostly) pregnancy hormones causing it all and there's not a whole lot you can do about it? Double yuck. Even so...I'm amazed to think that there is One who still loves me the same, even when I'm disappointing Him by my attitude and actions. I don't deserve that kind of Love, but I sure am grateful for it. Just thinking about it brings a peace to my spirit where raging turmoil once sat just moments ago. How deep...how wide...how great...is Your love for me. Lord, I'm truly amazed by You.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Next on the Agenda
Prepare yourself for a mental 'dump'!
Christmas has come and gone. My boy is three years old and it's as if a magical switch flipped that day...gone is the fierce attitude of the two's and welcome is this (more) agreeable child who understands things when you explain the "why's" and "why not's" to him...sometimes. Three birthday parties down (one with us, one with his friends and one with family), and I now face the final item on my agenda. Our baby girl.
Breastfeeding and childbirth classes begin in just a few weeks. Baby showers too. Her room is painted, the crib is assembled once again, and the extra furniture has been cleared out. I finally have an idea of what I want to hang on her walls; now it's just a matter of actually making a few decisions and DOING it. I'm 28 weeks along and my third trimester has officially begun. According to the pregnancy app on my phone, I have 11 weeks and 3 days until my due date. Maybe less...hopefully not more. That's less than three months. In regular life, three months is quite a bit of time. Looking at my calendar though, three months is not very long at all.
I need to go through baby clothes given to me to truly sort through what I have and decide what I need. I need to stop piling random stuff in her room and get used to the fact that it can no longer be the dumping ground for things I do not feel like dealing with in the moment. I need to stop procrastinating and just FINISH a few things I've started. I need to stop worrying about how on earth I'm going to handle a newborn baby and a three year old on very little sleep. (I know I'm not the first to go through it; I just don't know how people DO it! I have many worries in that area that I won't even get into!)
I have all of these things running through my head that need to be done, but I need to stop. Pause. Slow down. I am enjoying this part of my pregnancy more than any other and I don't want to miss it as I rush through these last weeks. This is my one time to experience this and I don't want to miss one moment. For now, I will just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). I will not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. (Matthew 6:24). I will remember that it doesn't all have to be done before she comes home. I will remember that it's not all up to me. And...I will refer back to this post to remind myself of these things. :)
Christmas has come and gone. My boy is three years old and it's as if a magical switch flipped that day...gone is the fierce attitude of the two's and welcome is this (more) agreeable child who understands things when you explain the "why's" and "why not's" to him...sometimes. Three birthday parties down (one with us, one with his friends and one with family), and I now face the final item on my agenda. Our baby girl.
Breastfeeding and childbirth classes begin in just a few weeks. Baby showers too. Her room is painted, the crib is assembled once again, and the extra furniture has been cleared out. I finally have an idea of what I want to hang on her walls; now it's just a matter of actually making a few decisions and DOING it. I'm 28 weeks along and my third trimester has officially begun. According to the pregnancy app on my phone, I have 11 weeks and 3 days until my due date. Maybe less...hopefully not more. That's less than three months. In regular life, three months is quite a bit of time. Looking at my calendar though, three months is not very long at all.
I need to go through baby clothes given to me to truly sort through what I have and decide what I need. I need to stop piling random stuff in her room and get used to the fact that it can no longer be the dumping ground for things I do not feel like dealing with in the moment. I need to stop procrastinating and just FINISH a few things I've started. I need to stop worrying about how on earth I'm going to handle a newborn baby and a three year old on very little sleep. (I know I'm not the first to go through it; I just don't know how people DO it! I have many worries in that area that I won't even get into!)
I have all of these things running through my head that need to be done, but I need to stop. Pause. Slow down. I am enjoying this part of my pregnancy more than any other and I don't want to miss it as I rush through these last weeks. This is my one time to experience this and I don't want to miss one moment. For now, I will just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). I will not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. (Matthew 6:24). I will remember that it doesn't all have to be done before she comes home. I will remember that it's not all up to me. And...I will refer back to this post to remind myself of these things. :)
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