Two

You're two years old today and I can hardly believe it.  All of the years we waited for you to come into our lives feel like a lifetime ago.  On the other hand, it feels like you just came home and I can hardly believe that the family I look at today...

...is the same family I couldn't believe was mine not that long ago.

You're an amazing little boy -- not just to me and your Daddy -- but to everyone who meets you.  A little charmer and definitely a "ladies man".  (I may keep you under lock and key when you get older!)  You love to play, you love to run around, and you love to try out your new words.  Full of energy, they all say.  I agree, and say you're just like your Daddy.  You like things to be in a certain place, in a certain way, consistently.  I can't say that bothers me much because, well, you ARE my son too!  Your personality is a great mix of us both and I love it.

I regularly get emails called "Your toddler this week".  Today I got one and it changed to "Your preschooler this week".  It makes me sad and excited all at the same time.  Sad because you are officially no longer a baby.  Excited because I am amazed every day about the things you know, the things you can do, and the things I know are to come.  I love you more than I ever dreamed possible, my precious son, and you will always be my baby boy...no matter how old you get.  Happy 2nd Birthday!

None But Jesus

This morning, I sit in a dark living room, lit only by the dim light coming through the cloudy skies and our delicately glowing Christmas tree.  I just finished a nearly perfect cup of coffee and my house is silent.  I'd just begun to think of the next two days and all that they will hold, when I realized I should stop and be grateful for this moment of peace.  This song came to mind and speaks what is in my heart right now:

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

So as you go about this Christmas holiday, in the chaos, in the confusion, in your moments of weakness as we "enjoy" the hustle and bustle, don't forget to remember why we celebrate.  May your delight be in Him, rather than the material things this season offers.  May you take a moment of peace to reflect on the things He has given you in your life, rather than the things you could not afford.  If you really stop and think about it, I think you'll be surprised at all you have already.  I pray for peace, love, joy and hope for each one of you who may read this.

Low on Patience

I'll be the first to admit that I'm low on patience with you this week.  I don't even have a good reason why.  It just seems to have up and left me, with no indication of when it might come back.  I hope it's soon; I don't like being this crabby, mean Mommy to you.  I have "talks" with myself constantly, and I resolve to change my attitude and find my "happy heart" as we instruct you to do.  I think I'm over whatever it is that has ticked me off, but then a switch flips inside of me and there I am again, so frustrated with something that is SO not that big of a deal.  Prayers for peace/patience, deep breaths, counting to 10 in my head, typically accompanied by a deep sigh is common from me right now.  I know this to be true, because I find you mimicking me as I'm doing it.  Thankfully, it always makes me laugh and breaks my tension when I see you doing that, but I still don't want you to have "that" memory of Mommy when you were growing up.  Maybe writing about it, telling the world (or whoever reads this) about it, will help me get my act together.  I'm at a loss of what else I can do to break this, but I hope I find it soon.  Please bear with me, my son.  You're still my favorite little boy in the world and I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I get to be your Mommy -- that simple fact, I will never forget. 

Breath of Heaven

One of my favorite Christmas CD's of all time is Amy Grant's "Home for Christmas" album. I'm not a huge Amy Grant fan or anything, but if you do not own this CD, I highly recommend you consider it.  I was listening to "Breath of Heaven" for the um-teenth time and the lyrics really hit me this morning.  I don't know why, out of all the times I've heard this song, I never really went down this thought path that I did today.

The lyrics of this song are obviously not the "gospel truth".  We have no idea of knowing what Mary was truly thinking and feeling, other than what the Bible tells us in the book of Luke.  If you really stop and listen to (or read) the lyrics, I think you will also get an idea of what she might have felt during this time:

I have traveled many moonless nights,

Cold and weary with a babe inside,

And I wonder what I've done.

Holy father you have come,

And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.

I am frightened by the load I bear.

In a world as cold as stone,

Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,

Hold me together,

Be forever near me,

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,

Lighten my darkness,

Pour over me your holiness,

For you are holy.

Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,

If a wiser one should have had my place,

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.

Help me be.

Help me.

Breath of heaven,

Hold me together,

Be forever near me,

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,

Lighten my darkness,

Pour over me your holiness,

For you are holy.

Breath of heaven,

Hold me together,

Be forever near me,

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,

Lighten my darkness,

Pour over me your holiness,

For you are holy.

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven

She questioned.  She was tired.  She was waiting.  She was scared.  She wondered if she was worthy, if there was someone better.  Yet she willingly offered herself and her reputation to God.  Obviously, the writer of this song took some liberties, but I'm okay with that.  Because of those liberties, it made me truly stop and realize the depth of the sacrifice and commitment she made to God.

As a woman, it's made quite an impact on me today.  WOW, to be THAT willing.  Incredible.

This is It

This is it.  She'll be here in less than 30 minutes.  I've done all I can and it's time to just sit back and calm myself.  I'm not sure why I'm so worked up about this, but my mind is going in every direction.  For instance, here's some of the randomness that has gone through my head in the past hour:

- SURELY she won't look in that kitchen cabinet where I just stuffed the toaster in an effort to clear off of the counter.  (In reality, I know she may not even look in the kitchen.)

- Oh, I'd better set up the Nativity set under the tree...you know...the Little People one that has not EVER been "set up" because I have an almost 2 year old in the house.  Good thing I did it now, because he's totally not going to go straight for it as soon as he gets up from his nap.

- I wish you could just think, "Hmm, I'd like to lose weight." and POOF!  Off it comes.  In reality, I've started working out at nap time and I can't say I'm really enjoying myself.  (Told you my thoughts are random.)

- SURELY she won't notice that I cleaned behind my toilet.  Again.  (I just did this at Thanksgiving.)

- Why, oh why, are you awake from your nap already, my child?  You went to bed late, yet you still wake at the same time?  Not cool.  Go back to sleep, little one.  Thank you.

- SURELY she won't see the dust bunnies I neglected to clean in the guest bedroom/the next baby's room because, really, I'm hoping she'll just glance in there and ignore the items that definitely do not belong in a bedroom, but in a storage area.

- I'm glad I didn't bother wiping down the baseboards.  What a waste of time.

- Toys, toys, everywhere.  Welcome to our home this time around!

- At least the Christmas cards on my door are evenly hung.  Thanks to all of you who sent them by this date so I could perfectly balance everything out.

I just asked Lou to come upstairs and humor me, to critically take a look around our house one last time.  He didn't cave, but insisted everything was fine the last time he was upstairs and that I had nothing to worry about.  Actually, I think he said it best when he explained it like this to someone he works with:  "Last time, we cleaned the house with a toothbrush.  This time, we have a two year old."

Here we go!

**UPDATE** She didn't even look at the house. Oh well, at least I know it's clean. :)

Side note:  All of those "surely's" made me think of this little girl.  LOVE this!  It just makes my heart smile.

A Visit

When a "regular" person gets pregnant, are they asked to fill out stacks and stacks of paperwork to answer questions about themselves that they don't really have an answer for?  No.  Does anyone come to their house to see if they're fit to have children?  No. 

If only life were so easy. 

On Wednesday, someone is coming to our house to do that very thing.  Luckily, we know her and she has done this for us before, a little over 2 years ago.  Even so, I still find myself border-line obsessing over this visit.  I notice things like my baseboards...they're not pristine white and shiny like they were the first time she came.  Proof that I have a child...a little boy...who is very active.  She has one too now, so I'm sure she'll understand.  The last time she came, not an item was out of place throughout the entire house - the hall closet and the basement included.  This time, I won't even bother because I know she won't look.  I should put away some of the toys in the living room to straighten things up a bit.  I need to do that anyway to gear up for Christmas and the boy's birthday.  I should take this opportunity to really clean things the way they need to be cleaned that I've been putting off for so long.

There are lots of things I should do.  Maybe some of those things will get done, maybe they won't.  The glorious part about this visit is that I know, when it comes down to it, none of that really matters.  We have a healthy little boy who is thriving and if things are out of place when she rings that doorbell it's because he lives in a home where he's free to PLAY.  And that is okay. 

This is a new concept for me to take hold of in my life...someone please remind me of that Wednesday afternoon, okay?  I think I'll go dust off the lights in my bathroom now.  (Baby steps...)

Choices

Lately, I've been thinking a lot the choices we make in life.  Not so much my own choices in my own life, but more the choices I've seen others make and the consequences from those decisions.

For instance, imagine you're a man.  You're in your mid-30's, your now ex-wife just gave birth to your first son.  Eight years later, you and your 2nd wife have your first daughter together.  Son meets daughter and says he just wants to be with his mom from now on -- not you -- and you let him go.  I repeat.  You LET. HIM. GO. (??!!)

Now let's fast forward another 12+ years.  You're now in your 50's and you've been married to your 2nd wife for about 15 years and you have three children together, plus her oldest daughter, plus your son from the previous marriage, whom you no longer know anything about.  One day, you up and decide to go have a mid-life crisis or something and throw it all away.  Things end badly and relationships with those children, if they exist at all, are rocky.  Her oldest daughter (your step-daughter) has a son, but you are not a Grandpa to that child.  (Prime example of a relationship that no longer exists.)

Fast forward a couple more years.  Your 2nd son asks his mom about his half-brother he's never met so she decides to do some searching online.  Come to find out, he's taken his step-father's last name (not yours) and was married earlier this year.  You know nothing about either of these facts.  Remember the choices I referred to earlier?  I wonder how those decisions make you feel right about now.

I suppose I sound a bit bitter here.  I wouldn't really describe myself as bitter though.  What I feel is more, pity.  I can't fathom making these choices in life, throwing away everything that "might have been".  It just makes my heart sad when I think about all he's missed and all he could have had -- all we could have had as a family.

So I encourage anyone who might read this.  Before you make a life-altering decision, make sure you stop...really stop...and ask yourself, is it worth losing what might have been?  Chances are, you might not realize it until it's too late.

Too personal?  Sorry, just a bit of real life here -- I'll try to be more upbeat next time, folks.  One thing I will say though...thinking through all of this sure does make me love my husband even more than I already did!